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The Top 10 Remarriage and Stepfamily Blogs of 2011

Mon, 16 Apr 2012 22:51:00 GMT

The Top 10 Remarriage and Stepfamily Blogs of 2011

It’s our annual round-up of our top picks culled from the wealth of blogs devoted to remarriage and stepfamilies. These bloggers write right from the trenches of stepparenting life, with all of its attendant challenges, blessings and surprises.

Each of these picks offer straight-talk advice for stepparents and remarried people, offering often humorous glimpses behind the front doors of other blended families. What we liked best about these is that you won’t feel so alone, all questions and no answers. Each of these blogs provides insights and ideas that you may not have thought of, which will help enrich your own remarriage experience.

So, grab a cup of coffee or tea, kick back and prepare to meet some new friends for the coming year. Without further ado, here are our Top 10 picks:

#10: The Wicked Stepmom

http://wickedstepmom.blogspot.com/

Blogger: Cathy, “The Wicked Stepmom”

Welcome to Cathy’s world, where she has named the people in her life after fairytale characters, such as Prince Charming, Cinderella, and Hansel and Gretel. It’s a fun way to view this often exasperating lifestyle, to give it the aura of old tales we’ve grown up on: it makes it seem not so different.

Cathy’s blog is a nice snapshot of the blended-family world. Cathy describes herself as—get ready: a daughter, stepdaughter with two stepmoms and a former stepdad, sister and stepsister, custodial stepmom and soon-to-be ex-wife. With that many hats, Cathy is able to offer a wide-ranging perspective and share her insights for just about anyone who has ever been caught up in a blended family scenario!

Cathy shows you that you need to have a good sense of humor to make it through what can be an ever-changing family landscape. We hope to see more of her blogging in 2012.

#9: Step in the Blender

http://www.stepintheblender.com

Blogger: Brigette

Brigette does a good job of bringing up the types of issues that arise in blended families, everything from why biological mothers and stepmothers struggle to get along to the various roles you could potentially take as the stepmother.

Through her ideas, you’ll be able to step back and analyze your own blended family and how it is playing out—as well as where you would like it to go.

Brigette gives candid, interesting descriptions of how we think: whether it’s her husband referring to them as a “broken family” to taboo topics stepmom’s don’t want to admit out loud. It’s a good peek into someone else’s blended world, thoughtful and heartfelt.

#8: StepMom Magazine

http://www.stepmommag.com/blog

Bloggers: Brenda Ockun, Publisher of StepMom Magazine, and Others

Whether it’s an inspirational message or a Q&A, Brenda’s blog offers helpful advice to the stepmother struggling with her role, while also tapping into various bloggers who blog about stepparenting (many of them appear in this Top 10 list!).

You will also get a glance at what the current monthly issue offers—an enticement to subscribe so you can access monthly support and inspiration.

Based on her extensive marketing background, Brenda launched StepMom Magazine to fill a void in the world of stepmothers: a place to go for resources, something she was unable to find when she first took on the role of stepmom herself.

To access the discussion forum, you will need to be a subscriber, a venue that promises to provide additional support for the stepmom struggling to juggle her new and ongoing role.

#7: The Stepmom’s Toolbox: Tips, Tools, Advice

www.thestepmomstoolbox.com

Bloggers: Peggy Nolan and Team

Need advice? How about attending “Stepmom University” and downloading a course specifically designed for stepmoms? Peggy’s site is packed with a wealth of resources such as this, both free and for members-only.

Peggy’s blog offers advice and such blog entries as “Things I’ve Learned,” along with tips for taking care of you, the one who does so much for so many. Her goal is to truly offer you the tools you need to make the most of your role as a stepmom. With her advice, you won’t flunk out of this life challenge, even when you feel no one notices all that you contribute.

#6: Hers, His and Ours

http://www.hershisandours.com/

Blogger: Lisa Hartman

Lisa Hartman writes a heartfelt blog about her blended family—opening her home, heart and experiences for readers to pore over.

She seems unflappable when it comes to some of those tougher situations that would make any stepparent cringe. For example, anyone up for a road trip with your spouse’s e- wife? Lisa recounts squirmy stories like these with humor and grace, as well as her philosophy on how to meet some of these unusual challenges.

Lisa’s blogs each include a photo, giving you a nice visual to illustrate the story or topic of the day. She gives an honest examination of the challenges inherent in trying to blend families—as well as managing all of the differing adult opinions on how best to do that.

#5: The Evil Stepmother Speaks

http://theevilstepmotherspeaks.com/

Blogger: Barb Goldberg

Barb’s site is clean and inviting—and she does a fantastic job with staying on top of updates, a challenge for most bloggers. Her site’s tag line is “Practical Advice for Stepfamilies who want to Love and Laugh.” And who can get enough of either of those, right?

Barb offers a range of resources, including a free download on “100 Different Ideas on how to Create Memories with your Family,” a nice, positive offering that helps you focus on the good things that can happen in your blended family. Her blog contains a range of categories, anything from holidays to leadership to dieting. No one ever said the modern stepparent didn’t have a lot to keep up with, and Barb helps you do that, with humor.

Reading her blog, you will feel like you just sat down with her in a coffee shop and she’s bringing you up-to-date on her life while offering pearls of stepparenting wisdom you hadn’t thought of before.

#4: Co-Parenting 101

www.coparenting101.org

Bloggers: Deesha Philyaw and Michael Thomas

Remarried folks, take note: divorce does not have to be contentious.

Philyaw and Thomas set an example that any remarried may want to take heed of and follow. In short, they have decided to put their kids first, partnering in their co-parenting efforts so their two daughters can have the next best thing to an intact parental set: two parents on the same sheet of music.

These two parents are not advocates of divorce. In fact, they often counsel friends to consider it only as the absolutely last option, while recognizing and acknowledging that it is a very personal and individual decision. They have a book due out in 2013: Co-Parenting 101: Helping Your Children Thrive After Divorce.

Their blog offers legal resources, a podcast—and a unique offering called the “10 Co-Parenting Commandments.”

#3 Today’s Modern Family

http://www.todaysmodernfamily.com/index.php/tag/challenges-in-stepfamily-life

Blogger: Kela Price, Founder and Diane Greene, Publisher

There are so many blends of family types, there’s no such thing as one size fits all, but Kela and Diane’s site seeks to fill that role. They provide a resource for modern families in every sense of the term, whether it’s a stepfamily, single parent family or adoptive family—or something else entirely.

Their advice runs the gamut, from fashion and weddings to parenting tips. And don’t miss their article on a quick and easy penne casserole—a timesaver any modern and harried cook can appreciate.

For fun, there’s a gossip section that highlights Hollywood break-ups as well as advice from stars who are dealing with divorce and stepparenting while in the public eye.

#2: Becoming a Stepmom

www.becomingastepmom.com

Blogger: Jacquelyn Fletcher

Jacquelyn Fletcher is the author of “A Career Girl’s Guide to Becoming a Stepmom,” and was also the co-founder of the Stepfamily Letter Project (letters are still accessible at http://stepfamilyletterproject.wordpress.com/).

Jacquelyn’s blog shows her writing style: tell it like it is. This can help you, as the reader, to connect and relate to Jacquelyn’s advice.

Besides her blog, she also offers podcasts and a range of resources that are inclusive of biological parents, stepfamilies and stepmoms. Advice ranges from methods for coping, to strengthening your relationship with your spouse.

#1: Smom: The Heart of the Blended Family

www.cafesmom.com

Blogger: Heather Hetchler

Founder of Café Smom and stepmom coach Heather Hetchler provides stepmom coaching and a share blog, as well as a couple of other goodies I’ll share with you in a moment.

Heather defines a Smom as “a noble woman who cares for and nurtures her husband’s children (aka stepmom).” Sound like anyone you know?

Her blog entries are engaging as well as entertaining snapshots of her life as leader of a blended family. Heather’s site provides a great list of resources—and even a stepmom gift shop! She has created a cozy environment where you feel as if you can take off your shoes, kick up your feet and commiserate with others going through similar sagas as yours.

A recent blog post gives an explanation for why she decided to step back for a moment and review all she was trying to do, as well as its impact on her family. Read it for yourself and see if you can relate to what Heather was going through.

She recently released her e-book, “Thriving at the Holidays: A Stepparent’s Guide to Success,” which guides stepfamilies in having a peaceful holiday and avoiding some of the frustrations that can occur. (These are found in non-blended families as it is, so blended families may have double the challenges!)

We hope you enjoy our selections from 2011. If you run across any sites that are must-read’s, please feel free to email us and share your finding!

You Can’t Make Me, You’re Not My Parent 5 Secrets to Getting Your Stepchild to Listen to You

Thu, 01 Dec 2011 21:31:00 GMT

If you are a stepparent, you have likely heard these words: “You can't make me, you're not my parent.” Your heart sinks because they cut to the core, leaving you gasping for a sane response.

Before you quickly jump to a response and potentially say something you may later regret, take a minute to compose yourself. The following five secrets will help you respond calmly when your stepchild challenges you with those words.

1. Breathe a Minute: Take a minute and breathe before you respond. Yes, you’ve heard this advice before, but do you know why you should actually do it? Children pick up on your emotional state and reflect it back via the phenomena of mirror neurons. This means if they are agitated, then you are likely to mirror their emotional response, which only amplifies their negative behavioral response and escalates into a power struggle.

Research suggests that taking a deep breath allows you to increase the flow of oxygen to your brain, allowing you to approach the situation from a calm, rational place, rather than a reactive one.

Here’s one scenario, a negative reaction:

“You’re not my parent, you can’t make me.”
“I wouldn’t want to be your parent.”

Here’s another scenario after a calming breath:

“You’re not my parent.”
[Pause, one minute of breath-collecting…]
“You’re right. But we’re on the same team, so I hope we can work together on this.”

2. Diffuse the Argument: Here are three words that will immediately diffuse any disagreement: “You are right.” But here’s what most parents and stepparents struggle with: they want to be right. Let’s admit it – we all have the desire to be “right,” but often this desire to be right is what provokes and sustains arguments.

When you let your stepchild know they are right, this removes the power struggle from the conversation. Your stepchild will have a slightly shocked and perhaps even smug look on their face when you concede that you can’t make them do anything.

3. Create a Communication Plan: Have a communication game plan in place with your spouse so you will know exactly how to handle problems when they arise. This way, you’re not stuck making up reactive rules in response to your stepchild’s behaviors. Take some time to talk with your spouse about how you will respond when a child in the household misbehaves. Come up with a clear, consistent plan.

For example, let the child know that there will be a consequence for their behavior if they do not listen. An example would be saying to the child, “If I have to ask you again, the rule is you go without your Xbox for the rest of the day.” You may even want to have a list of agreed-upon consequences that you’ve developed with your spouse that you’ll have available for any arguments with your stepchildren. This way you can calmly share what the consequence will be if the child does not do what is requested.

4. Stop Splitting: Create a clear and consistent plan for following through with consequences. When you calmly let your stepchild know that they’re right, i.e. you are not their parent and you can’t make them do anything, but if they do not do what is requested there will be a consequence – your stepchild may go running to their parent to try to get their way.

Some of the tactics children will use are whining, pouting, begging, demanding, or guilting to get their way. You need to send a clear message to your stepchild that you and their biological parent are on the same parenting page and you both are in agreement with how the situation will be handled. If your child comes to you complaining about your spouse, you can offer validation and what to expect next. For example:

“Amy, I know you’re upset. I will speak with your stepfather about this, we will make a decision together, and I will let you know what that decision is.”

5. Follow-through: Consequences that are relevant and meaningful to your child will help them self-correct their own behavior, but this only works if you are consistent and follow through. As a child therapist I hear children tell me all the different ways their parents and stepparents punish them, but then don’t follow through. For example:

“Yeah, they said they were going to have to cut cable off in my room, but they never did it. They’ve said it before, too, but they never do it.”

If this is happening in your home, understand that children come to see your consequences as meaningless and know they can eventually get their way. Make sure that consequences are realistic for you, so you and your spouse are able to follow through.

It’s never easy to make the transition of adding new members and rules into a household. Equip yourself with patience, a sense of humor, lots of love and compassion and these 5 insider therapy strategies and you’ll find it easier to respond to the statement, “You can't make me, you're not my parent.”

Are you in need of more support to help your blended family communicate? We can help! Learn more creative tools and strategies to help your child - click here to access the free audio mini-course Secrets Your Kids Really Don’t Want You to Know: A Child Art Therapist Tells All (*except for the confidential stuff) www.thecreativityqueen.com

Bio

The mission of Dr. Laura J. Dessauer, ATR-BC, LCAT is to teach children and parents creative ways to connect and communicate with respect and compassion, so your child can feel happier and more confident. As the founder of the Creativity Queen, LLC, Laura’s a Board Certified Creative Arts Therapist and Certified Parent and Teen Coach with over 23 years of experience working with families, children and teens in over 21 school districts. The Creativity Queen, Winner of SCORE Small Business of the Year, offers individual art therapy sessions and creative problem solving programs for both children and adults.

Prevent Remarriage Financial Problems: Have the Money Talk

Wed, 21 Sep 2011 16:00:00 GMT

By Frank Boucher, CEBS, CFP®

Talked about money yet?

Money and a failure to talk about it is a surefire danger signal that your new marriage is at risk of having an unhappy ending. Reasons for divorce statistics are fuzzy at best but money and communication seem to find their way into the top five reasons on just about every survey.

If a first marriage ended in a divorce, there’s a good chance that money was part of the problem. Couples who don’t want history to repeat itself need to be proactive when it comes to clarifying the financial aspects of the relationship.

A remarriage is full of interesting money issues – with many of them interesting for all the wrong reasons. For example:

One spouse may have bad credit or excessive debt.
One spouse pays or receives alimony or child support.
Both spouses bring different amounts of income and assets to the marriage.
Each spouse has a different attitude toward money.
Each spouse has different financial goals.

Any or all of these money-related issues can affect the financial health - and possibly the health of the entire relationship - of a remarrying couple. Since money and communication are top marriage-breaking issues, here’s a blueprint for tackling both.

Step 1: Lay the Ground Rules for a Money Talk

Do It Now. Don’t wait until a problem shows up, such as an empty checkbook, an unexpected bill, a late payment or a surprise major purchase. These things can drive emotions to the boiling point and the money “conversation” turns into the “blame game” – which is counterproductive and harmful to your relationship.

Don’t Hold Back. Lay it all out there – the good, bad, and ugly. What is your income? What is your spouse’s? What are the assets? Where are the debts? If there are skeletons in the closet, this is the time to flush them out.

Come Prepared. Both you and your spouse can obtain a free copy of your individual credit report from www.annualcreditreport.com.

Schedule An Appropriate Time. This has to be a collaborative project so pick a time and place that’s mutually agreeable. In the middle of watching a football game or right when you get in the door from a long commute would not be the best time, as you’ll need full focus. Send the kids away and turn off the TV, phones, and anything else that might cause a distraction. Put on some soft music, get something to drink (No alcohol please!) and go to work.

Be Respectful. Everybody has different attitudes about money and many of them were imbedded when they were children. What may seem completely outrageous to one makes perfect sense to another. Men and women tend to think differently about money and they tend to have different spending needs. For example, a woman’s wardrobe and personal care needs are normally more expensive than a man’s. Understand it, accept it, and prepare to compromise. No one said the money question was easy to work through.

Actively Participate. Since both parties have a vested interest in this, both parties need to participate. “Whatever you say” and “If that’s what you want” are not okay: voice your honest opinion. Also, avoid the opting-out response of “I don’t understand finances.” Sure you do – this isn’t high finance. It’s a simple equation: money in, money out.

Communicate Effectively. No one likes a know-it-all, so running out a bunch of spreadsheets in front of a partner whose eyes are glazing over could be counterproductive and cause resentment. Find a common speaking ground.

Step 2: Prepare a Spending Plan

Budgets aren’t diets. They are proactive spending plans that help ensure resources are going to the right place. Think about expenses in terms of four different areas: fixed, quasi discretionary, fully discretionary, and goals.

Fixed. These are the expenses where there is no wiggle room, such as mortgage payments, rent, child support, alimony, and other loans. Generally, they are cast in stone and must be paid.

Quasi Discretionary. These are necessary expenses but they have some wiggle room. These include groceries, clothing, personal care items, and utilities. Smart shopping can reduce these expenses, freeing up funds for more interesting things.

Fully Discretionary. Vacations, dining out, entertainment and hobbies fall into this category. Don’t overlook them. People need to relax, and completely eliminating these costs will undoubtedly result in frustration and resentment.

Goals. This is a tough one. Almost everybody agrees on paying bills, eating, personal hygiene, and clothing, but the discussion on longer-term goals can uncover individual wants and desires across a broad range of options:

Save for retirement or college for the kids?
Buy a new car or remodel the kitchen?
Vacation at Disney World or visit the parents?

This is where emotions can really get in the way. Couples who struggle to reconcile these areas themselves should consider seeing a pro. Financial planners have sophisticated software that can model any number of scenarios, illustrating the outcomes of various spending plans. Also, they can offer objective advice as they are not emotionally engaged in their clients’ financial situation.

Find one that charges fees and doesn’t sell investments. The National Association of Personal Financial Advisers (NAPFA – www.napfa.org) and the Garrett Planning Network (www.garrettplanningnetwork.com) have financial planner search capabilities. (Full disclosure – I am a member of both organizations.)

Allot an Allowance. It’s not just for kids. How about Mom and Dad? Money is power and denying power creates resentment. Think about budgeting a weekly amount that each can spend with no questions asked. Agree on how much and what household expenses, if any, must be paid from each allowance. For example, Dad’s allowance may cover auto expenses but everything else is his. Mom may have to buy groceries from her allowance. The amounts do not have to - and probably shouldn’t - be the same.

Consider Separate Accounts. Separate bank accounts can really help when used to isolate expenses. For example, one account may be used for fixed and household expenses and another used to fund goals. Investment accounts will be necessary for goals such as retirement and education funding.

Implement the Spending Plan. It’s time to put the spending plan in place. Obviously, the fixed and quasi discretionary expenses need to be paid and hopefully, there is money left over to fund the other expenses as well.

There are some nice resources that can help track expenses and fund goals:

A website called Simple Planning (www.simpleplanning.com) offers an EXCEL based series of worksheets that can be purchased for $9.95.
In the old days, people maintained their budgets by putting money in envelopes. When the envelope was empty, the spending stopped. Go to www.mvelopes.com for online software that features virtual envelopes to help manage household expenses and goals.
A fairly new website, www.mint.com, is receiving rave reviews as a money management resource.

Review, Review, Review. Budgets and financial plans live, breathe and change constantly. Incomes change, as well as expenses and goals. Review finances regularly and prepare to be flexible to keep up with these changes. Also, keep in mind that like many things in life, finances are not always fair and sometimes, somebody has to give in for the greater family good.

What’s Next? Setting up a spending plan is just the beginning of the financial journey. Retirement and estate planning are on the horizon, as well as investing, insurance, long term care and who knows what else. Income, debts and goals will change along with life circumstances, and spending plans will change as well. Start your journey on the right path with a sound, mutually agreed-upon plan and enjoy the ride.

Frank Boucher, CEBS, CFP® is the owner of Boucher Financial Planning Services in Reston, Virginia.

Photo credit: http://FreeStockPhotos.biz/

Are You Dooming Your Remarriage to Divorce?

Sat, 09 Jul 2011 23:21:00 GMT

Exclusive Interview with “Father Oprah” Who Offers Some Valuable Advice for Remarrieds

Father Albert Cutié – often referred to as “Father Oprah” – is launching his new daily talk show premiering 7/11 on FOX television stations, called FATHER ALBERT. He’ll be focusing on one topic per episode and discussing it with real-life guests who are experiencing conflicts and dilemmas in their relationships. Whether it’s between husband and wife, parent and child, or stepparent and stepchild, or one of the moral, emotional and ethical dilemmas we all face at one time or another – Father Albert offers solid, sensible advice.

Father Albert took time to talk with RemarriageWorks.com publisher Paula Bisacre to share his views on remarriages and stepfamilies. Read on to learn what he shared in their interview.

Q: Tell me about your step-family composition: how old are the children?

A: My wife and I got married two years ago, and she had a 14-year old son from her first marriage. They divorced when he was about 6 month’s old. She was a single mother for many, many years. So I knew that once we got married, having a teenager would be part of that package. We now have a 7-month old, our first daughter from our own marriage. The way I see it, we have two children: I only say ‘stepson’ when I have to clarify his relationship to me because I’m not his biological father, but I always describe him as my son. And I think when he talks about me, he always says I’m his dad, so that’s the type of relationship we have.

Q: What do you think are the biggest challenges for stepfamilies today, both professionally speaking as you provide counsel and advice, and also personally speaking?

A: I think people need to know that when you enter a marriage and you are going to give your entire life to someone else, when there are children involved, those children also have to be part of the commitment you are making. You have to realize that if you marry someone that obviously loves their children and wants the best for their children, you have to want and desire the same thing. So those children really do become yours in some way, regardless of how involved or how uninvolved the biological parents may be.

You have to take on the role – especially when the child is living with you – of parent for that child, also. Biological children and stepchildren need good parenting, so when you enter a marriage, that’s an important part of that relationship. If it’s important to your spouse, it’s got to be important to you. It doesn’t just apply to children, it applies to everything, but I think children are a big part of that.

Q: Sometimes there can be conflict, where children or stepchildren feel caught in the middle between their biological parents – especially when there’s one or two stepparents involved. What are some guidelines that you recommend to a new stepparent?

A: Well, there has to be a lot of respect and I think the burden should never be placed on the children. I think the adults in the relationship need to act like adults. So if there are rules in the home, whether or not you agree with those rules, you have to respect the fact that if your child is living under someone else’s roof, that those rules should be honored and respected. And I think the best way to go about life is to dedicate yourself to be respectful to others and to be respectful of your ex-spouse’s decisions. You know, she married someone who is or is not of your liking – that’s totally her business, not yours.

And that’s where I think people need to be more sensitive to the fact that the rules in the home, the way things are done – even some of the cultural things – you have to be very respectful of the other person because your children will pick up on all the negative vibe. Your children will pick up on all of the ping-pong – I call it the ping-pong effect, where kids are being bounced back and forth from one place to the other, they spend weekends with you, they spend the rest of the time with her and back and forth… I think kids know what’s going on and they can even become manipulative if you allow them to see there’s this kind of tension and rift between the parents and stepparents.

Q: In my experience as publisher of RemarriageWorks.com, often people believe there are stigmas attached to stepfamilies. For example, Disney’s evil stepmother, or in media, stepparents portrayed in a negative way. Do you agree?

A: I think those are stereotypes. I think we’re very prone to use stereotypes in our society, like the whole thing about your in-laws, you know, your mother-in-law just must be a pain. That’s not true. I think my wife loves her mother-in-law, and I love my mother-in-law, so I think that we don’t have to fall into the stereotypes.

You need to see and accept people as they are. Not everybody can satisfy your way of understanding life or seeing life. I think that’s very important. That’s another aspect of respect when you are able to accept people as they are, especially your in-laws, those involved in a stepfamily situation. You’re being more realistic and going to have a happier life if you accept people as they are.

Q: The divorce rate for first marriages is about 50%, and second marriages depending on what study you read, can be 60-70%, and each subsequent marriage, it goes up another 10%. Why do you think the divorce rate for remarriages is so high?

A: I think people come from a situation of frustration once their first marriages failed and maybe they idealize way too much the next relationship: “This relationship is going to somehow fix what was wrong with the first one,” and that’s just totally unrealistic.

The fact is if you had serious issues in your first relationship, you’re bound to have serious issues in your second and third relationship because a lot of the issues we have in marriage have nothing to do with your spouse – they have to do with unresolved issues from your past, in yourself. I’ve seen this from counseling couples for such a long time: people think they’re going to magically improve their life by this second or third marriage and it’s just going to get all better for them and most of the time, it does not. It ultimately just gets more complicated.

People don’t go to therapy, people don’t attend to what’s important; people wait for the train crash to attend to problems. I can tell you as a clergyman I see people come looking for their pastor, their priest, their rabbi usually when it’s – I don’t want to say it’s ever too late – but usually when there’s already been some serious offending and some serious dysfunction going on for a long time. People don’t want to accept the fact that they need help. And that’s why I believe second and third marriages have higher divorce rates because people just think, well, it was that person, something was wrong with them, and very few people are willing to admit “something is wrong with me” and “I need to fix what’s wrong with me and I need to look at my own problems, many of them even stem from childhood and I need to look at them closely and attend to those things before I keep looking for someone else being at fault.”

My wife and I conduct a marriage course, and we found people are often shocked and surprised by the very elementary things that we talk about in that course. I think the reason for that is people don’t invest a whole lot of time in marriage prep. As a matter of fact, any time that the church requires people to take the course, you almost always see people roll their eyes and say “Oh wow, this is so much.” But you know, you go to school for four years or more to get a degree and that’s to prepare for a career. How much more important is this fundamental relationship in your life that we call marriage, and how much more important should it be, and why is it we don’t attend to that with the same concern and the same energy that we do to our professional matters?

It’s almost like, career and work –if there is some material value to it we think, oh well, that’s more important. But you know, your relationship – it’s probably even more important that you invest time and your energy toward making that as healthy as possible because we have learned from research that what makes you most fulfilled in life is not your job, it’s your relationships. So if you’re working to have a good marriage and a good relationship and a good family environment, you’re going to be much happier, so invest your energy and your time on that.

Q: What do you think the best way is to inform people and say, “Hey listen, before there’s a problem is when you seek assistance and guidance and education”? How do you see the future? Is it going to take generations?

A: I’ll tell you what it’s going to be, what’s going to happen. I believe that as therapy becomes more commonplace and as people begin to shift from what our grandparents thought a psychologist was, what young people today know it is, I think there’s a much more open attitude toward counseling now.

When I first became a priest 16 years ago, if I sent one of my couples to therapy, I’d always get at least one with a real backward attitude of “Oh, I’m not crazy, I don’t need a therapist.” I don’t hear that stuff anymore. I think it’s already known pretty much in our society today that at some point in our lives we’re going to need some type of counseling whether it’s marriage counseling, grief counseling, or recovering from a traumatic experience. I think people are much more open today to going to get help from a mental health professional in times of crisis.

I found that when I was first ordained a priest I still had a lot of people with some of those taboos toward therapy and getting the type of help they needed. I don’t find that much anymore. For people who are in a situation of remarriage that are getting into problems or feel that they’re miserable or their marriage is not going right, I feel that they need to wake up and say “Okay, what do I want for my life? Do I want to continue going from one relationship to another wondering when I’m going to be happy?” Like someone said to me, “I was happy by my seventh marriage.” I think it’s unrealistic for people to think they have to get married seven times to reach happiness. I think people need to seek happiness where they are right now and ask themselves the question, “Why am I not happy? What is it that is making me unhappy? What are the real underlying issues here? What is the big white elephant in the middle of the room that no one wants to look at”?

Q: Many of our readers of RemarriageWorks.com are women; many of our followers in our social media happen to be women, and when you look at what the resources are available today for stepdads in particular, there are very few. How many of your followers, and what portion of your audience, is men, and what specific tips do you recommend for men, for stepdads?

A: That’s interesting. I would say to you most women are more communicative than men are: they’re more open about their problems, they talk to their friends about them. Men have a tendency to shut themselves down or close themselves in on themselves – they don’t want to really ‘spill the beans’ about what’s going on in their lives, they don’t want anyone to perceive any type of insecurity in their lives. So men have a tendency – maybe it’s a masculine thing, maybe it’s the way that we are – we have a tendency to just be more private about ourselves and our lives.

I think it has a lot to do with social settings, with what women do when they get together with other women, what do we talk about… men maybe have a tendency to be more business-focused and not so focused on the aspects of chitchatting with other people in their situation. How many dads talk to other dads about being a dad? You don’t get a lot of that, but you do have a lot of moms that talk with other moms about being moms.

My audience, yes it’s female, and the one’s who want to talk about issues are usually female. I always get the impression that if you get a man who really opens up and talks without any fear, he’s pretty unique because most males are just not that ready to talk about their problems. Same thing happens professionally. When people come for counseling with a priest or rabbi or minister or a therapist, when you talk to them they’ll tell you most of the time the woman really had to do a lot of begging and arm-twisting to get him there. A lot of men will tell you, “I don’t want to talk about my issues with any other man and I don’t want to talk about my issues outside of my home. Dirty laundry stays at home.” That, unfortunately, is a very masculine defensive approach to dealing with issues.

Q: Is it your vision that this attitude will shift as well?

A: I think it’s already shifting from my dad’s generation to the present generation, and I hope it continues shifting. I think a lot of it has to do with values we inherited from parents and grandparents, how you deal with problems. You know, now we’ve got the internet, now there are so many different ways to communicate I think a lot of young people are like, well you know, isn’t it full disclosure? Don’t we talk about everything and send each other pictures? I think there’s a lot more communication taking place in society in general. A lot more openness about issues and problems.

Q: The premiere of your show is coming up. Please tell the RemarriageWorks audience what kind of topics you’ll be touching on, and specifically, if there are any dealing with remarriages and stepfamily situations.

A: I think the remarriage audience will find this show particularly interesting because it’s all about relationships: how we deal with family issues; how you deal with a rebellious teenager, whether he is your biological child or your stepchild; how mothers deal with their daughters; how these issues come up with children who want to do their own thing and how the parent doesn’t know what to do anymore when a kid is out of control, how we deal with that.

Every human relationship is an important part of the show, but specifically I would say family issues and definitely issues between stepparents and stepchildren are a big part of the show, because it really has to do with human dilemmas. I think this is a very common human dilemma today, the fact that people do remarry and want to start their lives again and build stronger families, and so these are all the issues that’ll come up in my show every day.

For more information, go to Father Albert’s Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/fatheralbert

Once Upon a Time.... Is Forming a Stepfamily With Teenagers a Fairy Tale?

Tue, 07 Jun 2011 01:17:00 GMT

According to research, stepfamilies that were created when the children were teenagers are more likely to dissolve. So how do some blended families beat the odds? Success is possible—once you remember the timeless story that parents are old fashioned.

by Eleanor Spackman Alden

(Photo on home page courtesy of Library of Congress, Prints & Photographs Division, Detroit Publishing Company Collection, LC-D415-90333)

Divorced women and men frequently have reported they are waiting to remarry until after their teenagers have left home. Oftentimes, the parent’s story is accompanied by a sense of relief because he or she is actually fearful of entering the dating world. Other times, parents express intense resentment at feeling restricted by their child who is making dating relationships “impossible.”

Parents need to guide a teenager’s dating and social life—not the other way around! Neither children nor parents truly feel safe and comfortable with children in charge. As their children grow, parents struggle to set appropriate limits and boundaries. They continually ask themselves:

How much freedom of choice is safe and appropriate?
How much freedom is too restrictive and will harm my child’s development?
What freedoms put a child who is not yet ready to be fully responsible for his or her life in danger?

The answers to these questions vary by child and his or her stage of development. And teenagers are wired to test it all.

Many of the problems that stepparents experience with teenage stepchildren are no different than those experienced by biological parents. What is different is that many stepparents may not have a long history with their stepchildren—that is, they may not have fond memories in place of when their preteen wasn’t so rebellious.

Without that history, the current rebellious stage can be much more difficult for the stepparent to tolerate. The following story describes this particular stage of life:

The Tooth Fairy’s Revenge

Once upon a time, there was a wonderful little baby girl born to adoring parents. Her whole world was focused on being cute and lovable. Her parents even considered dirty diapers a subject of prideful inspection and accomplishment. When Mom and Dad made cooing noises, the baby girl knew that all she needed to do was mimic them in exquisite detail. Within many days, baby and Mom had a wonderful duet worked out. Mom and baby were very happy with this wondrous communication, and so were others, who clapped and laughed at this marvelous interaction.

Life went on, and suddenly diapers weren’t cute anymore. The baby girl had difficulty understanding why, and her longing to make these giants she lived with happy surpassed her desire to complain about the change in rules. So the baby girl learned to “go potty.” And again everyone was clapping and happy. Then another rule was added without including the girl in the decision making. No longer was going potty something that everyone looked at and applauded. Instead, the parents demanded that she go potty in secret. It became a shameful thing, no one was interested any longer, and no one was clapping. This change in rules was upsetting, but the girl was forgiving. She decided that throwing toys was a good way to call attention to this unilateral change in rules, and she sought other ways to achieve something she longed for: praise from her parents.

The parents were endlessly proud of their adaptable little girl, who now walked, talked, sang, and responded so readily to their smiles and praise. She clung to them when they threatened to leave and cried when they went out the door. They helped her through this suffering; she began to understand that by playing peek-a-boo and then hide and seek, her parents did indeed return to her. When they left her at nursery school the first day, though, she was very distressed. She sobbed with her arms outstretched as they left, and then ran to them joyously when they appeared hours later. She realized they loved hearing about the games she played at school and what she had learned. She looked forward to sharing her stories and friends with them.

Then the Tooth Fairy noticed that small teeth were coming out and being left under the pillow. The Tooth Fairy was very pleased; her greed for baby teeth was great. The next few years were happy ones for everyone. The child learned that not only did Santa reward good behavior, but the Tooth Fairy rewarded physically growing up, something that required less conscious effort on the child’s part than being good with the ever-changing rules!

Once all the adult teeth were in place, the Tooth Fairy was, at first, perplexed. Where were her treasures? Why didn’t the child and parents cooperate more readily? Tooth Fairies, like some children and adults, have a very short memory.

She was patient for a few years as the child grew, hoping for a knocked-out tooth from a swing accident. But her waiting was in vain. She truly got angry. She waved her magic wand and decided that because she had been abandoned and ignored, she would teach the parents a lesson about just how that felt.

First, the Tooth Fairy waved her magic wand and hormones began to surge through the young girl; pimples and blackheads appeared, along with variable moods. Boys her age began making strange croaking sounds. All of these were signs of Tooth Fairy rage. She then waved her wand and the brain began to shrink—brain matter that carries the message that Mom and Dad are the best parents in the whole world vanished in a twinkle of an eye. Something else also disappeared: the brain neurons with the message that Mom and Dad are indispensable and it is scary when they leave. Also, anything wired in the brain that had to do with life and death connections to her parents were eliminated, one by one. The small girl who had screamed and clung to her parents when they were leaving was now bigger and could hardly wait for them to go. At times she even darted the other way at school or at the mall when she saw her parents approaching.

The Tooth Fairy was pleased and thought the parents would find some kind of teeth to leave her. But they had forgotten her altogether. The parents had bigger concerns than a Tooth Fairy! Where had the child who had adored them gone? The now forgotten and invisible Tooth Fairy was furious. She knew the girl who had accepted all the rule changes—from toilet training forward—without any veto power would adapt and that the brain would continue growing for years. But she made sure that those adorable sounds of mutual adoration between baby and mother would never resonate again!

She had also decided on a final curse. She installed a tiny invisible device in the brain of the young girl, right behind the eyes. This device is only activated around parents, or, occasionally, around another authority figure. It rolls the eyes, and when truly engaged, it causes the vocal chords to make a loud sigh. As if this was not enough, the Tooth Fairy added exclamations of “whatever!” which, when accompanied by eye rolling, really annoyed the parents. And if that wasn’t enough for her parents, or their reactions were not what the girl now wanted, she active previously installed sentences along with the eye-rolling device:

“That’s not fair!”
“Everyone else’s parents allow _____. [Fill in the blank]“
“You are ruining my life!”

And for the finale:

“You are the worst parents in the world!”

Some part of the girl realized she was burning bridges, and she began to search for parental body language signs indicating (1) when to vanish to her bedroom, or (2) when to join her friends who were the only ones she believed understood her. The girl became sullen at times, and suspiciously watched her parents for any sign that they might restrict her from doing things her friends thought were cool. Being unpopular with her friends became increasingly important to the girl.

Then, suddenly, she and her friends saw that the Tooth Fairy had not just implanted an eye rolling, vocalizing device in their heads. The Fairy had put an expiration date on each parent’s forehead that only the parent’s own teenager could see!

That was the problem: Parents have expiration dates, and the girl saw that hers had expired! No wonder they didn’t understand anything! They were old fashioned! For heaven’s sake, they grew up in a time when they had to walk 5 miles to school, in the snow, and uphill both ways! This insight was always accompanied by frantic eye rolling and loud sighs.

Eventually the Tooth Fairy gave up and moved on to other children with more readily available baby teeth to give her. The young girl was able to grow her brain back to its preteen weight—and even beyond that. She developed new insights into her relationship with her parents: She loved them with an adult mind and heart, and some part of her brain was only slumbering. It did remember the cooing duet and waited for another baby to awaken it from its long sleep.

And they all lived happily ever after; until the next time a young child in the home made the Tooth Fairy angry.

‘The Biological Parent and Stepparent Must Not Undermine Each Other’

In therapy, I tell this story to lighten the fear every stepparent seems to share: My stepchild hates me and his or her life would be happier without me. Add to that fear that some biological parents don’t remember their own teen years. Parents who feel guilty about a divorce—and who also do not remember how normal it is for teenagers to find parents old fashioned and unfair—oftentimes find themselves impaired, unable to guide their stepchildren through this rocky time in the children’s development.

Exasperated stepparents need to know that their stories about disrespectful, eye-rolling teenagers are similar to those told by biological parents. Unfortunately, many times stepparents do not have the benefit of the perspective held by a biological parent, that this is a temporary state of shrinking brain with a side of excessive hormones (enough to scare anyone silly). They also do not have the memory of the adorable child who clung to them and told them they were the best mom or dad in the whole world.

It can be hard for an adult to regulate hurt feelings when that adult does not have a sense of self and security. And, if that adult does not have the active, loving support of a spouse who understands the normal healthy patterns enough to see this stage through, then the risk of another divorce is high.

Patience and determination to survive the Tooth Fairy’s tantrums are critical. But even more important is this: The biological parent and the stepparent must not undermine each other; rather, they need to communicate how they will support each other’s efforts in guiding their teenager through this tumultuous time—when the teen is discovering how to be accepted and successful in the world at large.

Keep in mind that being accepted by parents in general and bonding with a new stepparent is not the teenager’s main developmental task. Instead, the teen is focusing on whether he or she can succeed in the world outside the home. Whatever anxiety and fear this focus elicits, there is no excuse for poor behavior inside the home. It is not acceptable for teenagers to act in a way that would elicit social rejection outside the home. Parents and stepparents alike must remember that teenagers are still with parents because they are learning the incredibly complex and complicated social skills needed to succeed in life. They need a safe place in which to practice these skills, and fail, at times. That place is called home.

Biological parents who passively accept horrible behavior because they fear rejection and anger from the child, or they view the child as “damaged” because of a divorce, harm everyone. When they blame the stepparent for the child’s behavior, they infantilize the child and are not succeeding at their task of raising people to be confident, successful, happy, and relational adults. When stepparents can’t tolerate the normal range of emotional turmoil and take a child’s flashes of rejection and anger as a personal assault, they harm not only the child, but the marriage and the family.

Stay Focused

Avoiding dating until the teenager is out of the house is not a good role model for teens. Rather, it flip-flops the parent–teen relationship, putting the teenager in the role of controlling and restricting the social life of family members, and may leave children whose only memory of marriage was the hostility and disruption of the pre-divorce family. No wonder so many children from this kind of pattern don’t want to marry at all.

Discipline involves discipleship; children learn about relationships from example—not avoidance.

Parents: Proceed with caution and love, and strengthen your ability to self sooth, to communicate with your spouse, and to keep focused on the goal of raising a child to be a mature, confident adult. In the process, you may find you have also grown into a new level of calm maturity, and your relationship may become deeper and stronger as a result.

Eleanor Spackman Alden, LCSW, BSD, is psychotherapist who, for more than 40 years, has helped stepfamilies and those going through divorce navigate painful or difficult transitions. Author of StepWisdom: Knowledge From the Ages for Successful Stepfamilies (Wheatmark), one of her main interests is changing the paradigm about how our culture views stepfamilies. You can read more about Eleanor, who resides southwest of Denver, Colorado, at http://www.stepwisdom.com.

A Remarriage ‘Sex Talk’ for Guys and Gals

Sat, 09 Apr 2011 00:48:00 GMT

Untitled Document

Sex is an incredible—and enjoyable—gift that remarried couples may neglect if not nurtured to meet one another’s needs.

by Gil and Brenda Stuart

Your bedroom is a good barometer of how the rest of your relationship is going. The buck will stop here if you are not addressing issues outside of your bedroom—and remarried couples face plenty of them, from visitation schedules to a stepchild who is no longer speaking to you.

If your barometer is showing stormy times ahead, take action now. The first step is to understand some typical differences between men and women’s perception of sex. For men, sex can be purely physical, but, frankly, many men say sex is better when they know their woman is connecting with them—a real turn-on for them! Says Gil: Men tend to be more like microwaves: Push our button and we’re ready to go.

Women, on the other hand, typically prize the mental aspect of sex: Being their man’s “one-and-only” gets many women going and allows them to more fully engage in the physical aspect. Says Brenda: Women tend to like to be slow cooked: Get us dialed in and we will show you a good time.

Armed with this awareness of differences in perception, partners can begin to create a supportive environment for a nurtured sex life:

Strive to keep lines of communication open by maintaining trust and honesty in your relationship.
Do not be a poser—be yourself!
Avoid hiding behind the demands of the kids, work, or life.
Keep your emotional channels of communication clear. If you don’t, it will all come back to bite you in the bedroom, and no one will “win” in the end.

In her book Surprised by Remarriage: A Guide to the Happily-Even-After, Ginger Kolbaba says that, when it comes to their sex life, remarried couples need to pay attention to eight points. The following four are especially are critical, in our view:

Talk about sex. “Sex is a form of communication,” says Kolbaba.

We interpret this point to mean share your heart—how you felt. Gals: Believe it or not, your man needs to know he has satisfied you, but also wants to be aware of what you like or dislike is part of a loving sexual relationship so you both can enjoy and be comfortable with this deepest aspect of married life.

In his DVD Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage, Mark Gungor offers a fun way to have a healthy discussion about sex, while enriching and strengthening your marriage at the same time(see www.laughyourway.com). His “Keys to Incredible Sex” segment describes right and wrong approaches to sex. He takes a quick census of how women view exclusiveness and its effect on how they perceive sex, and discusses how pornography can be an unwanted intruder in the bedroom.

Kids kill spontaneity.

Yes, Kolbaba makes a good point here. We suggest putting a lock on your door. Knowing your privacy is secure and understood is important. Whenever possible, you want to be able to take time to enjoy your sexual relationship without interruption.

Make foreplay an all-day event.

Expanding on this point, we suggest, guys, that you learn your woman’s love language and become fluent with what you can do that will communicate to her that she is loved and cherished. Start by checking out the website www.5lovelanguages.com. Remember: It’s not all about the sex; her strongest sex organ is her mind. Foreplay is getting her excited mentally for the “play.” Your part is to be nice—genuinely from the heart. Tell your woman she is beautiful. You can communicate with your woman in a number of ways throughout the day via texting, e-mail, and the old-fashioned phone call, or try leaving love notes for each other.

And gals, consider the following: Are you being his “girlfriend” throughout the day? Would you want to come home to you? Keep in mind that it’s okay for you to initiate romance. Take a risk and buy something new to surprise your guy. What’s his favorite color in lingerie? Express your sensuality. Talk about what clothing (or none) turns you both on.

Know when to seek counseling.

Sex is a huge act of trust. If a former spouse had an affair, your ability to trust could be affecting your remarriage bedroom. People who have deep and intense pain usually need professional help to work through it. Sexual issues are no different, so seek sound counseling and accountability to achieve healing. While in counseling, do not take any sexual backtracking personally; rather, face it with empathy, which, in the long haul, will create space for further healing and a healthy sexual life with your partner.

What ‘Nurtured’ Sex Is Not

A key to creating a satisfying sex life in a remarried situation is to understand what sex is—and what it is not. Having only cyber sex or watching pornography, are, in our view, inconsistent with a nurtured sex life. Sexual addiction or being a prisoner to your self-gratification sexually is not a self-expression of love—to yourself or your wife/husband.

If your sexual relationship is lacking, taking on a virtual partner may seem to fill the gap at the time; after all, a cyber partner is less likely to talk back or disagree with you. But what happens when that virtual partner or the graphic magazine pictures are no longer fulfilling? A risk is that a partner could conceivably move on to unhealthy associations or habits, including an extramarital affair.

Keep Past Unhealthy Uses of Sex in the Past

Men in general and women to some extent can be pulled into a prison of false security that does not require them to be emotionally engaged with one another. Two of the highest forms of selfishness are to ignore the issue of sex or use it as a weapon to get your way. Both motivations are unhealthy, and if either were in your experience from the past, take action to change an old habit. Sexual expression in marriage is for connecting at the deepest level relationally not for manipulation of your partner.

Frankly, putting the past in the past is easier said than done, so our recommendation is to get clear of misconceptions immediately. Building trust in the bedroom is a must. The hazards of comparing your spouse to a former sexual partner is a potential trap; consciously choose to not fall into it! Rather, focus on “it’s about us now.”

Realize that healing deeply in areas of sexuality will call upon you to offer forgiveness to yourself or your spouse or whoever caused hurt. Do not withdraw. Sexual issues are connected to the core of a person. When encountering such deep issues, rifts in the soul and personality can extract anger, fear, discomfort, insecurity, and, most important, the ability to trust.

After gaining perspective and healing in these sensitive areas, Gil found that the sexual experience got even better, describing it as like opening a box of TNT in a dark room with a lit match! Gil asked, Would I find new freedom by getting close enough to the TNT to know if it would explode? He found that TNT (or, as he puts it, “trusting naked truth”) in the here and now could explode, but the risk outweighed the chances taken to connect even deeper emotionally in the present marriage.

Your new marriage is just that: new! It is what you make it to be, and if you allow the past to leak into the present, you lose twice.

Relax and Enjoy the Journey

Past choices and experiences will interface with the deepest desire a couple shares—that of an exclusiveness that was dashed against the rocks of divorce. Now in remarriage, you are rebuilding trust and honesty. This is not the time to get stuck in what was, but enjoy what is! Bonding sexually is a lifelong process between a husband and wife. It will take a lifetime to figure each other out—if that is even possible—thus keeping things exciting and always new!

Getting away to make time for the fun factor or shared recreation is as important as making time for “making out.” Marriage partners who are truly friends tend to show respect and admiration for one another. How well do you know your spouse’s “love language”—that is, how he or she likes to spend quality time, what acts of service your spouse engages in, what physical touch brings him or her pleasure, favored gifts, and words of affirmation that have great meaning for your partner? Can you name the top two without a second thought or without having to ask your spouse? If not, you have some homework.

Friends know such things about one another, and lovers are better lovers because sex is an extension of loving the person at all levels possible, including spiritually. Put another way: The more aspects you learn about one another or explore together, the deeper the connection you’ll form with your spouse—and the better the sex.

One thing that we like to say and you may wish to remember: “If you ain’t got the marriage, you ain’t got nothin’. ”

Gil and Brenda Stuart, who live in Vancouver, Washington, have seven children, ages 19–30, between them. Willing to speak from their own stepfamily adventure, the Stuarts share heart to heart as they walk the walk. They created a seminar, workbook and the online resource, Restored & Remarried which delivers a fresh style of encouragement to blended families. For more information, see www.restoredandremarried.com.

For Therapists: Cultivating a Healing Attitude

Sat, 22 Jan 2011 01:13:00 GMT

With more than 4 decades of work with stepfamilies under her belt, psychotherapist Eleanor Spackman Alden offers fellow helping professionals guidelines for becoming effective healers, guides, and support systems in their practice with stepfamilies.

by Eleanor Spackman Alden

(Photo on home page © Claus Mikosch and courtesy of www.istockphoto.com)

Seldom is there a topic in the life of a therapist where the old-fashioned issue of countertransference—when the therapist projects his or her own feelings or wishes onto the client—can resonate so strongly. Therapists who value stepfamily life—and honor and respect the courageous people in stepfamilies—have an attitude that, in itself, is healing. In addition, those therapists who view stepfamilies as second rate or “even worse” than single-parent families will negatively impact the therapeutic outcome. If an unexamined life is not worth living, then, as a therapist, an unexamined attitude toward stepfamilies is a red flag to “refer to others”! To work well with stepfamilies, a therapist needs to value them and to know the differences and similarities among good parenting, good co-parenting, and good stepparenting.

Working with stepfamilies can be complex, complicated, challenging, and immensely rewarding. Family therapists who have a strong background in family systems theory will find their education to be immensely helpful in their practice. Yet, work with stepfamilies requires more than what the therapist learned in most family theory courses and training.

Stepfamilies Are More Than Just ‘Standard’

Unfortunately, the therapeutic community has often supported a negative image of stepfamilies. Perhaps this bias stems from a lack of the specialized knowledge and skills required to handle the more complicated stepfamily situation. Frustrated therapists may end up blaming the client’s illness for the lack of therapeutic success. Moreover, the majority of stepfamily members never enter therapy, and when they do, they frequently pass themselves off as “standard” families without “step” relationships, so the issues unique to stepfamily life may be overlooked by the analyst. With just a few added skills and knowledge, a therapist working with stepfamilies can be just as successful as in their work with any other family.

Given the sheer number of people in all cultures who are impacted by stepfamily relationships, it is hard to imagine that any therapeutic practice exists without stepfamily members somewhere among the majority of its clients. Issues of “step” may not be the presenting ones, but the underlying attitude toward stepfamilies can support or damage any therapeutic alliance around any topic. Too often the words and tone of voice convey a therapist’s negative bias toward stepfamilies, stepchildren, and blended families. A demeaning and patronizing attitude is not a predictor of a good outcome for successful therapy.

Take the case of “Anne,” who was in analysis because of her struggle with her negative self-image and problems with men. After working with her analyst for nearly 6 months, she overheard her therapist talking to a colleague about a celebrity who was marrying once again. The disdain and contempt the analyst held for divorce and stepfamilies came through loud and clear to Anne, who was divorced. That bias ruined the therapeutic container, and Anne left therapy several months later—enraged with her analyst and severely depressed.

How to Maximize a Successful Therapeutic Outcome

Therapeutic work with stepfamilies can be, but is not always, more complicated than with a so-called standard family in which no divorces or former spouses exist. Stepfamilies often have special needs in terms of mediation between coparents regarding goals, finances, visitation, and the development of a cooperative system. Such needs are seldom the case in non–stepfamilies.

To meet the unique needs of stepfamilies and to help maximize a successful outcome, therapists might take the following actions.

Emphasize the Gifts Stepfamilies Bring to Adults and Children Alike

Stepfamilies provide wonderful opportunities to exercise compassion, empathy, and the ability to put oneself in someone else’s shoes.

Stepfamilies often provide a structure in which everyone can grow and learn to be flexible and accepting of different opinions, values, and goals.

Stepfamily members demand that other members learn to listen deeply to each other.

Work with stepfamilies can lead to increased skills in self-soothing, learning to choose appropriate behaviors when emotions are running high, and learning diplomacy skills, which are highly valued by society.

Stepfamily structures provide the potential for children to feel loved and supported by different adults. Stepfamilies also offer a backup system for cooperative adults to enjoy time with their children and also have time alone as a couple.

A long-standing part of all cultures, stepfamilies have produced some of our most outstanding leaders and innovators of change: Moses, George Washington, King Arthur, a number of U.S. presidents, Queen Elizabeth I, and Marie Curie. Role models for step-relationships are in abundance.

Watch the Language!

Therapists can unintentionally emphasize demeaning perspectives through their use of language. However, therapy is a perfect venue for reframing society’s negative view and accentuating the potential for a positive outcome while empathizing with the challenges.

When referring to the divorced parents of a child, use the word coparent. Furthermore, keep in mind that referring to the former spouse as the ex-wife or ex-husband can harm the therapeutic process—if the goal is cooperative parenting—because those terms emphasize loss.

The term ex-spouse may be an accurate description when working with a divorced couple who have no children and no love left. Consider dating terminology: Most of us see more warmth in descriptions such as former boyfriend, last boyfriend, and old boy friend than in ex-boyfriend. The same thinking applies to terminology for former spouses.

Terms such as failed marriage or a broken home carry negative emotional energy. Discourage terms that imply divorce is a failure. Marriages may break, but homes grow, change, expand, and contract. When a divorce occurs, one home usually becomes two. Using the term two homes—the one with mom and the one with dad—lessens the sense many have that divorce equals loss.

Therapists must examine their own beliefs about divorce. When is divorce a spiritual path that is important for all? When is staying for “the sake of the children” is a good idea? When is it not? Therapists who guide children to see the abundance in a situation involving two homes, four parents, two birthdays, two Thanksgivings, and double doses of good things are helping stepfamilies make the best of their situation and its opportunities. Emphasizing what is in abundance in stepfamilies, yet also being honest about the scarcities, and then developing strategies and coping skills to deal with identified scarcities can be truly rewarding for both therapist and family, as well as a bonding experience for the stepfamily.

Love is a tricky word, and a discussion about the different kinds of love may be imperative. In Sanskrit, the English word love translates into 95 different words. In English we talk about loving sunsets, loving our spouses, loving ice cream, and loving our children, yet other cultures may find our use of the same word to describe feelings of affection toward a spouse and a child repugnant.

When working with stepfamilies, it is often a huge relief to talk about the differences in how people love each other. Loving a biological child is not the same feeling as loving a stepchild, let alone loving a spouse or a hamburger! It is neither equal nor the same, but it still is immensely valuable—different but not less important.

Children need many kinds of conditional love. The rest of society tends to be conditional in its acceptance and support, so an opportunity to have the less biased guidance of a stepparent regarding the confusing social world outside the home can be wonderful. A stepparent’s conditions that are too harsh, unreasonable, or inappropriate are destructive. In contrast, if those conditions encourage the child to achieve skills and behaviors that will make that child successful in society, then the conditions are valuable and just as needed as the less conditional love of a biological parent.

It is okay for a stepparent to feel differently about their stepchildren, and to love them differently. A therapist can examine the behavior of treating people as fairly as possible without the often extreme guilt and anger induced by the common accusations that “you don’t love my kids as much as your own.” Children and adults are often in situations in which they are not “loved as much as” another person, and fair treatment is still demanded.

Fathers and mothers almost always walk through a divorce with guilt about “what it is doing to the children.” Other family members experience grief about the loss of the marriage relationships, the original family structure, and the relationships that supported such structure. When hearing expressions of guilt or grief, deal with those feelings openly.

At times in my own practice, I have asked a young person about missing his or her biological parent in front of a stepparent. The child’s answer plus the facial expressions of everyone in the room reflect how taboo that kind of honesty has or has not become. Giving the child permission to feel okay about missing Dad when Mom and Stepdad are there helps that child to eventually feel fine about missing his or her stepparent. What a gift to love so many people! Hearing children talk about missing their absent parent may be painful for parent and stepparent alike, but empathy and support for such feelings is more healing than denial, anger, or guilt. If feelings result in bad choices about how to behave, it is imperative that the therapist accept the feelings while examining associated beliefs and how to make better choices behaviorally.

“Trash talk” by adults about other family members harms everyone, and the person dealing out the negative, hostile talk is often one who, in the long run, will most likely be rejected by the children as they grow older. Therapists must actively discourage any attempt to align children against their biological parent and must encourage respectful communication among all parental figures. This does not mean the therapist should minimize real-life problems, however. For example, if the biological father is an alcoholic, acknowledging that “Dad loves you, but Dad has a disease” is more helpful and less harmful than implying “Dad is a bad person and does not love you.”

It is okay to validate a child’s experience, especially when that experience is painful, but the validation must be done without attacking the other parent. The therapist might encourage one parent to say, for instance, “Your mother, at times, gets very angry when her feelings are hurt, and then she says things she probably will wish she had not said later on. I know it hurt you to have to listen to that tirade, and I am glad you can talk about it. I hope you know we all love you and will do what we can to make this different, or at least protect you when we can.” If the other parent truly is so ill, addicted, violent, or sexually abusive that he or she is a danger to the child, and the child must physically be protected from that parent, then acknowledging the illness so that the child does not feel that half of his or her own identity is flawed, evil, or unlovable is critical. A child has a right to love a flawed parent.

Stepfamilies excel at teaching the spiritual and life lesson that love is not a scarce commodity. The more we love, the more there is, and the more comes back to us. It is even possible to love two people when one hates the other!

It is essential that therapists acknowledge the prejudice with which stepfamilies are often treated. Police, court evaluators, counselors, ministers, coaches, and many others often treat the best of stepparents as if they were invisible, under suspicion immediately, or in a patronizing fashion, as if their love and caring was invalid or second rate. In addition, school professionals often are restricted in their ability to include stepparents in conferences and decisions. In my book StepWisdom: Knowledge from the Ages for Successful Stepfamilies, I describe one case in which the stepmother, the primary person who helped the children with homework, was banned from all parent–teacher conferences. Dismissing this difficulty or encouraging an aggressive stance or dialogue would, in the long run, have served no one. Instead, mediation and empathy for all parties involved allowed the relationships between the coparents to grow, and the children continued to be successful students.

A “Five-to-One Rule” for adults and children is an effective way to encourage compliments. No one can say anything critical about anyone else without first having five compliments in the emotional bank account. You can withdraw from that account with respectful criticisms only if you already have something in the account. If you can’t think of anything nice to say, then you must stay quiet and contemplate five reasons why you have any “right” to criticize. If you can’t think of anything you like about another family member, then that needs examining.

This rule is helpful for a number of reasons:

Most people want to be accurately heard and their criticisms taken seriously. But if all a person does is criticize, even if only half of the time, the audience may view that person’s comments as trivial.
Parents who want their co-parent to honor their wishes, value their opinions, and treat their new marriage and role as a parent with dignity will find the Five-to-One Rule to be effective.
Those in a stepfamily who cannot think of one thing good to say about any of its members may need to rethink their commitment to the family.

Over the past decades, having supervised therapists working with stepfamilies has certainly deepened my belief that stepfamilies can be successful, loving, dynamic, and creative families. Therapists: Being aware of your own myths about stepfamily and divorce and recognizing personal biases and prejudice will aid you on your path to becoming an effective healer, guide, and provider of support for stepfamilies. Yes, stepfamilies can be challenging work for therapists, but the rewards—as with anything that demands our best skills—can be great.

Eleanor Spackman Alden, LCSW, BSD, is psychotherapist who, for more than 40 years, has helped stepfamilies and those going through divorce navigate painful or difficult transitions. Author of the recently published StepWisdom: Knowledge From the Ages for Successful Stepfamilies (Wheatmark), one of her main interests is changing the paradigm about how our culture views stepfamilies. You can read more about Eleanor, who resides southwest of Denver, Colorado, at http://www.stepwisdom.com.

Top 10 Remarriage & Stepfamily Blogs for 2010

Sat, 22 Jan 2011 22:48:00 GMT

We’ve done the homework for you! After reviewing nearly 100 blogs about remarriage and stepfamily life, RemarriageWorks.com has narrowed the list to provide you with the best of the best.

by Paula Bisacre

Google the terms remarriage and stepfamily today, and you’ll find more information and blogs on these topics than even 5 years ago. Continuing our mission to deliver credible and valuable resources to remarrieds and stepfamilies, the RemarriageWorks.com staff pored over close to 100 blogs to handpick 10 that we think are the most informative, supportive, and inspiring.

Here are our Top 10 blog picks for 2010; where you can find them; our quick assessment (in italic type); and a rundown of what excited us most. We hope these Top 10 will enrich your life.

#1 Becoming a Stepmom

www.becomingastepmom.com

Blogger: Jacquelyn Fletcher

This blog by Jacquelyn Fletcher, author of A Career Girl’s Guide to Becoming a Stepmom, is intelligent, witty, warm, and inviting—like spending an hour over coffee talking with your best friend.

Jacque, a great sharer of knowledge, has created a blog that stands out among the others because it offers the “whole package”—not simply written blog entries, but also video and podcasts, as well as thoughtful resources. Her blog is well rounded, offering more topical variety than many we read, from advice, to education, to support. What really made an impression on our staff was that she clearly works hard to share viewpoints in addition to her own. An added bonus: Becoming a Stepmom oozes with positivity.

We especially loved the insightful video she shared on November 30, 2010, from TED, a small nonprofit devoted to “Ideas Worth Spreading” through www.ted.com. In that recording, William Ury, author, expert mediator, and speaker, talks about transforming conflict. Jacque introduces the video and then challenges us to think about how we can transform conflict in our homes.

This number-one blog shares ideas about stepparenting, becoming a stepmom, and being remarried that are worth spreading.

#2 Wednesday Martin: Official Blog for the Author of Stepmonster

www.wednesdaymartin.com/blog

Blogger: Wednesday Martin

It’s uncanny how the blog by Wednesday Martin, the author of Stepmonster, captures so candidly and dynamically just what us stepmoms go through everyday!

Wednesday, a psychologist who writes for Psychology Today, offers her readers professional advice and solutions via her page-turning writing style. Her blog entries are a pleasure to read, and the accompanying graphics are delightful!

What strikes us most about her blog is that she keeps it real with her word choices and topics. We bet a lot of people can relate, whether they are experiencing “Barnacle Syndrome,” which she describes as “feeling like you just got ‘tacked on’ to your husband’s life—that it’s all about the way he and his kids do it…,” or are wondering, as one blog title says, “Why Did the Remarried Couple with Kids Make Two Turkeys?”

#3 Co-Parenting 101: Divorce Ends Marriages...but Families Endure

www.coparenting101.org

Bloggers: Deesha Philyaw and Michael Thomas

Deesha Philyaw and her former husband, Michael Thomas, offer an honest look at the trials and errors of co-parenting and provide heartfelt advice plus an array of resources.

This blog should be a mandatory read for any divorced couple with children. It represents what all of us should strive for: cooperative co-parenting for the sake of the kids. (And, we don’t take “shoulds” lightly!)

Deesha and Michael are not advocates for divorce. Instead, their focus is on how to “establish a successful, congenial co-parenting relationship which allows our children to thrive….” They provide a list of helpful resources, and readers can even nominate co-parenting heroes who are then featured on the bloggers’ BlogTalkRadio show Co-Parenting Matters.

Given that 65% of remarriages include children, we think Deesha and Michael can be a model for many of us remarrieds. We love their approach: inspirational and positive.

#4 The Stepmom’s Toolbox: Tips, Tools, Advice

www.thestepmomstoolbox.com

Bloggers: Peggy Nolan and Team

This blog is teeming with gold nuggets of information, resources, and event “homework” for stepmoms.

Peggy’s passion “to help others live true, authentic lives” is not just words on a Web page. Rather, her energy and enthusiasm to help women are boundless. She’s kicked cancer and corporate stress, and even was chosen for AOL’s Career in Transition Image Makeover. And, she is pursuing her second-degree black belt. On top of that, she is the wife of a U.S. Army soldier—and that takes a special strength, because her husband has been deployed to the Middle East. Powerful stuff, and many stepmothers will benefit from Peggy’s inspirational life story.

According to Peggy’s website, her BlogTalkRadio show The Stepmom’s Toolbox, is one of the most popular and downloaded shows in the category “women.”

What stepmother wouldn’t want to seek tips, tools, and advice from another stepmom who has accomplished so much?

#5 Stepmum of the Year

www.stepmumoftheyear.wordpress.com

Blogger: Mel

This Australian newly engaged “stepmom,” who, in her blog, refers to her partner as “The Lovely Man” and to each of her sons as “Boy A, Boy B, and Boy C,” tackles a topic not often addressed: stepparenting part-time and from a distance.

We love how Stepmum provides details and anecdotes from her life, especially quotations from her children. It really helps to know the kids’ perspectives and that other stepfamilies have children who say the same kinds of things your own kids do!

Mel has brought up and discussed unique topics and resources, such as “How Narcissists Abuse Children During Divorce.” Thanks, Stepmum for sharing remarkable stories from your life and the lessons you have picked up along the way.

#6 Rockstar Coparenting: Divorce and Co-Parent Children Like Grown Ups

www.rockstarcoparenting.com

Blogger: Jenn

This straightforward, engaging blog strives to “build a community of like minded parents who want to coparent their children of divorce a little less Jerry Springerish and a lot more awesomish.”

This down-to-earth blog makes us feel like we are sitting in our neighborhood café, talking with the most hip, stylish, and fun person we know. We knew we were on to something good when we saw that the main navigation bar on the home page includes “get support,” “good to know,” and “talk to me.”

Click on “get support,” and you’ll be pleasantly surprised. According to Jenn, “Knowledge is Totally Power,” and she isn’t kidding. She has one of the most comprehensive resource lists we have seen, with subtopics ranging from “Divorce,” to “For the Kids,” to “Stepping & Blending,” to “Professional Associations.” The list is impressive.

Her insights are so interesting and thought provoking, we’d like to see Jenn write a book!

#7 Stepmother’s Milk: When We Need a Place to Spill

www.stepmothersmilk.com

Blogger: Izzy Rose

The welcome message by Izzy Rose, author of My (not-so) Glamorous Transition From Single Gal to Instant Mom, captures why we like her blog so much: “The best pacifier is the voice of another woman, telling her unique story that lets you know you’re not alone.”

We love Izzy’s premise that “Stepmother’s Milk is a metaphor for how women nurture and care for each other in trying times.” Izzy has the unique perspective of becoming a stepmom after a successful career as an Emmy award-winning TV producer, and it definitely shows through her voice and style—entertaining and often humorous.

Although her latest blog entry is from early 2010, don’t skip reading this blog, which is accompanied by a robust list of resources.

#8 Smom: The Heart of the Blended Family

www.cafesmom.com

Blogger: Heather Hetchler

Stepmom coach Heather Hetchler serves up positive advice and encouragement in her inviting and colorful blog entries.

Heather’s vision at Café Smom [pronounced “smahm”] is to “serve up a hearty cup of uplifting words, encouragement and support and to connect you with other stepmoms around the world going through exactly what you are going through.” We seriously wish we lived near her so we could hang out, laugh, cry, and vent together.

This blog imparts practical, real-world advice—whether it’s helping you to create a concrete action plan to set your goals for the year or tips on how to deal with your husband’s ex. Heather’s conversational writing style, sincerity, and empathy make you feel like you’re sitting right next to her and she’s someone you can trust right away.

#9 Stepmom Magazine Blog

www.stepmommag.com/blog

Bloggers: Brenda Ockun, Publisher of StepMom Magazine, and Others

The short blog entries covering a wide range of topics are a welcome respite in a stepparent’s busy world.

It’s not often that stepmoms get to be the center of attention, but in the StepMom Magazine blog, stepmoms receive the TLC that they deserve. Many of the bloggers named in this RemarriageWorks.com Top 10 list have contributed to StepMom Magazine, which is top-notch.

When the RemarriageWorks.com staff reviewed this blog, entries ranged from a list of remarriage statistics to the “hotly debated topic” of disengagement, and just what that term means. The majority of the blog page describes content in recent issues of the online magazine.

The real gem of the website, though, seems to be the discussion forum, where—as a subscriber—the reader “will receive access to our private, support group forum where you can talk to other stepmoms about issues that concern you most.”

#10 Mama J’s Parenting Posts: Conversations About Raising Girls

www.dianefromme.com/blog/?cat=10

Blogger: Diane Fromme, also known as “Mama J”

Author of Stepparenting the Grieving Child, Diane Fromme embraces an important topic that is often at the fringe of the stepfamily conversation: stepparenting a child whose parent has died.

For those of us who are widows or widowers—or are married to someone previously was a widow or widower—this blog is a wonderful resource. To our knowledge, there isn’t another blog devoted to this topic.

Diane has said she “constantly ponders family issues and dynamics.” She posts on stepparenting issues every Wednesday and is writing a guidebook for stepparents living with children who have lost a parent or parents. This blog will likely be helpful to remarrieds or people who have adopted a child too.

I'm Dreaming of a Peaceful Christmas...

Thu, 06 Jan 2011 02:42:00 GMT

...or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa, celebrated like always! But the only way to trim holiday angst is to make new traditions and keep some old.

by Elizabeth Einstein

Shortly after the long-needled spruce went up in the family room, the trouble began. The holiday tree was anchored in its stand, but stood bare for several days. Opinions on decorating styles, it seemed, were anchored as well, along traditional family lines. As the arguments swirled over tree decorations, they spilled over into what was the perfect time to open gifts: Christmas Eve or Christmas morning?

What a start to this stepfamily’s first Christmas together! Robert and Liz had married in late fall, and just weeks after settling into a new house, the holidays were upon them. He was widowed with four children under 12; she was divorced with two teenage daughters. Although everyone seemed excited about the new family they were building, the stress created from so many changes was mounting.

Now they were staring straight at their differences, about how holidays were to be celebrated—and especially how a decorated tree was supposed to look.

In a Solomon-like moment, the family decided to divide the tree into two sections, with each group doing their “traditional” things.

That first stepfamily holiday decision became a family legend that still elicits laughter every time they tell it. Over the years, as they began to feel more like a family, all the members made a commitment to compromise. Rather than a his and hers concoction, this stepfamily created their first ours tree—complete with all the sentimental items and new acquisitions.

Because Robert’s older two children remained tied to stringing popcorn and cranberries and his younger ones insisted on making colorful paper chains as they always had, those old-fashioned decorations festooned their side, Liz and her daughters wouldn’t hear of not using the beautiful ornaments they had collected from their travels. Each shiny globe evoked happy memories for them. And a new tradition emerged: selecting that one special ornament during a family vacation. Because the children had to negotiate which one to buy, their compromises reflected forward steps on their stepfamily journey.

Skirting Holiday Landmines

Memories and traditions are important to all families, but when holidays arrive, remarried families start with several strikes against them. Roots are fragile. Happy memories are fading. Stepfamily members share no common history. Individual traditions may differ vastly and people cling to them for what they represent; giving them up feels like yet another loss. The most important thing is to meet them head on. Acknowledge up front that things are going to be different.

Robert and Liz’s tale is repeated in remarried families everywhere; only the scenarios differ. Add a multi-ethnic remarriage and the learning curve grows. Aunt Nina always expects to have the first night of Hanukkah. Are the stockings hung or laid on the hearth? Where will the Kwanzaa celebration happen? Will Mom let us borrow the unity up (Kikombe cha Umoja) or should we get a new one? Whether adopting a new appreciation for the traditional African celebration of values or celebrating a totally new holiday, each scenario asks the question: What will our new stepfamily values be?

The holiday itself. Christmas or Hanukkah? Kwanzaa or Christmas? Both?
The Christmas tree. Live or artificial? Cut down, buy one to plant after the holiday, or return to a favorite corner stand?
Decorations. New modern menorah or family heirloom? Handmade tablecloth from your grandmom or mine?
Dress. Dressy or casual?
Food. “What do you mean we’re having turkey? My mom always makes ham decorated with cherries!”
Gift and gift-giving. One special expensive item or many smaller gifts? Give to each other or to charity? When do presents get opened? Robert’s younger children always awoke to presents in the morning after Santa’s delivery; Liz’s daughters liked a Christmas Eve ritual so they could sleep in late. Their compromise was opening packages that the mail carrier had delivered in the evening, with Santa’s and the rest on Christmas morning.

Solutions and compromises are there, but working out differences takes advance planning and time. Waiting to open boxes of “his” and “hers” ornaments until it’s time to trim the tree is courting trouble.

Long before the holidays arrive, begin talking about how things were done in former families—and why. “We always used that menorah because it once belonged to our great grandmother in Germany.” Perhaps the decision to get the dreaded artificial tree makes sense when the other side understands it as a green statement—“to save real trees.” Discussions about the emotions behind a tradition can start family members thinking about creative compromises. Sharing traditions, including the ones that still hold warm memories, motivates family members to become more sensitive to each others’ ways and needs. There is no “right” or “wrong,” just raw emotions and long-held beliefs. When it comes to traditions, judging the other way as “wrong” only hurts feelings and hinders stepfamily bonding.

It’s surprising to realize that traditions sometimes are repeated when, in reality, they lost their significance long ago. It might not be so bad to start some new ones.

Visitation Revisited

Pressures are never higher than when discussing who gets the kids during the key holiday moments, whether it’s the annual seder or the Easter Egg hunt. And nowhere does communication become more critical than when clarifying visitation schedules during these supposedly “happy” times.

The already complex family situation is multiplied with remarriage, with stepdads and ex-wives and multiple grandparents all wanting a piece of the action. Imagine this difficult scenario for young children. After sharing Christmas Eve with their mother, Fred awakens his children early because he’s booked them into five 2-hour visits: breakfast at Grandma Helen’s, snack and gifts at Aunt Betty’s, Christmas dinner at Grandma and Grandpa Ellstrom’s house, late afternoon with Fred’s mom before going to supper at Aunt Sarah’s. Is it any surprise that the children are cranky and tired before they even get to the last grandma’s house? By that point, they don’t even care about more presents and have no idea who gave them what loot. They whine and want to go home. All that chaos and they haven’t even had their own stepfamily celebration yet!

Because holidays are emotionally charged, too often what is meant to be a joyful time becomes more terrible than terrific. A better stress-reducing solution would be to plan several celebrations so everyone can truly enjoy each special time. Because December 25 is merely a calendar date, stretching out the festivities can make them more meaningful to everyone.

Although children of divorce deal with many challenges, they aren’t unhappy about all the extra holiday dinners, presents, and attention they get from their new extended family, say researchers. According to the University of Pennsylvania’s Professor Frank F. Furstenberg, Jr., who studied the effects of the extended family on the stepfamily, the key is how well adults handle the situation. Resolving differences with their former spouses and refusing to use the children to settle differences mirror what’s possible in stepfamily living.

Sure, you might have to cook an additional turkey or take another day off, but keeping schedules simple is the secret to a successful holiday.

Looking for Enriching Times

As youngsters travel great distances to be with their other parent, holiday success rests with the adults in both households.

At one end, the children need to be prepared. Acknowledge their feelings and let them know you feel good that they can be with their other parent. Keep any sadness you feel to yourself.

The receiving parent needs to help the children feel comfortable with the transition during this sensitive time. Remember that some children—especially teenagers—would rather be with familiar friends and surroundings. Get them involved in the new experience; avoid treating the kids who don’t live with you year-round as guests. “Hey, Alex, your dad tells me you make great popcorn balls. Would you do that for us while you’re here?” Giving them small responsibilities can make them feel a part of creating the holiday, too—and more a part of your household.

Holidays can be an enriching time for children of remarriage. As youths move between two families, and many travel to new places, stepchildren may meet new people and gain new experiences. Teenager Jenifer says she likes going to her dad’s place in St. John’s the day after Christmas with her dad and stepmother. “It’s cool because one day I am out cross-country skiing with my brothers in New York and the next afternoon I’m out sailing with my dad in the Virgin Islands.” Like Jenifer, who adapted to not being with her mother the entire Christmas week, children can learn to become more adaptable and flexible.

More role models from a greater extended family offer new beliefs, attitudes, and skills. Jenifer’s father recalls how his own creative father loved to paint but couldn’t nail a bird house together. His stepfather’s hobby involved sailing and woodworking. “Learning all that from him led me to become a carpenter and to living on a sailboat. It’s great to have a spare dad,” he says.

For most of us, the holidays are a time of expectations. Unmet ones account for much of the disappointment, sadness, and postholiday depression that people in all families experience. An emphasis on planning ahead and creating realistic holiday expectations will prepare remarried families to receive the gifts the holidays offer. When hopes and dreams are balanced with reality, a joyful exchange of sharing old traditions while making new ones can provide a festive foundation for the stepfamily’s future. And it just might skirt some of those holiday landmines.

Elizabeth Einstein, LMFT, is a nationally known marriage and family therapist. An award-winning author and coauthor of a new teach-out-of the box program, Active Parenting for Stepfamilies, she trains professionals to work more effectively with stepfamilies. She lives in Ithaca, New York.

Contact info:

eaestepkid@msn.com

Elizabeth Einstein, MA/LMFT

Marriage & Family Therapist
Stepfamily Trainer & Consultant
Ithaca, NY Phone (607)272-2552
www.stepfamilyliving.com

Also see:
www.stepfamilies.info
www.smartmarriages.com

Stepfamilies: Fighting a War at Home

Thu, 30 Dec 2010 18:01:00 GMT

War has never been easy on love, marriage, and families—and stepfamilies are not immune to its effects.

by Eleanor Spackman Alden

War veterans and their spouses and children have, throughout history, had to cope with the effects of being away from their families for months and even years. The family system that existed before deployment may not survive long absences or the personality changes of their returning loved ones. Today many veterans also face both physical and emotional disabilities as part of the fallout of war. These stressors do not occur in a vacuum, but, rather, in a family system that will be forever changed to varying degrees.

In November, our country celebrated Veterans Day, a day honoring those soldiers who have fought in past wars as well as in Iraq and Afghanistan. Many families, however, are veterans of a war of sorts here at home. With their partners deployed, spouses have taken on the role of solo parent, trying to function without a partner to consult daily. Their children are effectively living in a single-parent household, and some are so young they likely will not recognize their own biological parent on his or her return from war. Some of these families will eventually go through a divorce and subsequently form stepfamilies.

The divorce rate for veterans of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan may be as high as 80%, according to Michael G. Rank, a Vietnam veteran and associate professor of social work at the Figley Institute in Florida, who, in 2008, spoke at a conference in Denver, Colorado, on posttraumatic stress disorder. Given that the divorce rate for first marriages averages about 50% nationally, it seems possible that, as a group, veterans of all wars could have a higher divorce rate than civilians. As the Iraq and Afghanistan wars continue, veterans may end up with the highest rate of stepfamily formation of any group of veterans in modern times.

Veterans Day elicits thoughts about the freedoms and values for which so many soldiers have fought and sacrificed. Many Americans are free to achieve our personal potential because our society values democracy and respects diversity. An example of that diversity is the various family structures that exist. Yet, the image of the “ideal” American family still tends to exclude one form: the stepfamily.

Step as a descriptive term for relationships (such as stepparent, stepchild, stepfather, and stepmother) has only been part of the vernacular for just a few centuries. It comes from the old German word steif, meaning bereft. (Words such as orphan and foster were more common centuries beforehand.) Since the beginning of human awareness of kinship, stepfamilies have existed side by side with what many people currently view as a “normal” family unit: children living with two biological parents. Mythology, fairy tales, and historical records point to a time when stepfamilies were seen as commonplace and describe in detail the challenges they faced. As the biblical tales about Joseph and Moses, stories about the Greek gods and King Arthur, and the lives of a number of U.S. presidents—including George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton, and Barack Obama—make evident, we are surrounded by people who were raised in or lived in stepfamilies, and became who they were because of that family form.

The majority of children—in both contemporary and historical times—have been raised in a family with one or more stepparent-type figure who has provided support, safety, nurturing, guidance, and, hopefully, love. Because approximately 85% of all cultures in history were polygamous, children had at least one stepmother. The greater the family’s status, the more stepmothers the family had. Those societies honored stepfamilies as successful because they expressed the highest form of family values: the ability to include, in a loving relationship, those not related by blood.

In the past, when marriages ended because of a parent’s death—oftentimes during childbirth—or the abandonment of children by parents who were unable to cope, children frequently were placed in orphanages or with foster or adoptive parents who had the financial means to raise them. The truly poor, though, did not have the resources to raise such children, so sold them into slavery (sometimes benignly called “indentured servant positions”).

During the past 100 years, though, the attitude toward stepfamilies has shifted to one that views stepfamilies as second rate, as if their “stepness” has made them dysfunctional. A primary cause of this shift is western society’s collective discomfort with divorce. This present mythology about stepfamilies is a far cry from honoring them as the most successful of family structures. Although our culture need not return to the cultural myth that stepfamilies are more successful than what we now call “normal,” we might restore stepfamilies to a position of “equal and different.”

A first step in this direction involves hard, but immensely rewarding, work. Stepfamily members will need to learn how to self-regulate their feelings—that is, to behave appropriately when their feelings are intense. They also must learn to respect others’ personal space and privacy, whether emotional, physical, or psychological; handle their responsibilities appropriately, neither avoiding tasks that are their “job” nor assuming tasks that are not theirs; and honor and respectful family members they don’t naturally love. Living in a stepfamily can increase both the parent and child’s ability to adapt successfully to life’s changes, to be more aware of people’s differences and honor them, and to be more flexible and open in making decisions about the life they lead. In simpler terms, stepfamily members are less insular, and they demand that people learn cooperative skills.

A stepfamily that is formed with awareness, consciousness, and understanding produces wiser people who are often the forerunners of change and growth in the culture around them. They, like any “normal” family, can be functional at their best and dysfunctional disasters at their worst, and everything in between. How we treat each other—with honor and respect—and cherish our roles and each other as best we can will determine the outcome.

As we find various ways to honor our veterans on Veterans Day and at other times during the year, we can strive to respect and honor the many stepfamilies that will be formed because of the sacrifices made by those military men and women. The new stepfamilies must be seen as equal but different from the original family units the soldiers left behind when they were deployed. For the sake of our veterans, as well as the benefit of all, our culture needs to change its negative attitude toward stepfamilies and restore them to a place of honor.

Eleanor Spackman Alden, LCSW, BSD, is psychotherapist who, for more than 40 years, has helped veterans and their families, stepfamilies, and those going through divorce navigate painful or difficult transitions. Author of the recently published StepWisdom: Knowledge From the Ages for Successful Stepfamilies (Wheatmark), one of her main interests is changing the paradigm about how our culture views stepfamilies. You can read more about Eleanor, who resides southwest of Denver, Colorado, at http://www.stepwisdom.com.

Cooking Up a Great Marriage Outside of the Kitchen

Sun, 07 Nov 2010 03:52:00 GMT

Last time you tried a new recipe, you may have felt intimidated about following it correctly: measuring new ingredients and adding them in the right order. Imagine cooking up a great remarriage with unfamiliar things. Here’s how three couples achieved recipe success, and how you can too.

by Renée Canali

What do a master chef and a successful remarriage have in common? They both use proven recipes as a basis for their feasts. A master chef begins with the knowledge of the ingredients he or she wants to combine that will compliment each other and bring out the best flavors for the feast. A successful remarriage also takes preparation and proven recipes.

Each feast begins with appetizers, and relationships are no different. When meeting someone new and developing an interest, we offer that person little “tastes” of who we are. As the relationship intensifies, we continue to entice each other to stay for the next course. When both partners remain interested, they begin to plan their recipe for remarriage.

All recipes begin with basic ingredients. Chefs bring their own creativity to the kitchen as they masterfully add their signature flavors and spices to the feast. In a remarriage, we tend to begin with spices we have always used, leaving the basics for later. Our palates guide us to begin cooking with what’s familiar—and not necessarily what’s desired.

For your own recipe for a successful remarriage, watch the following three teams in action as they demonstrate how to use three basic ingredients:

Love
Understanding
Common values.

Team 1: Love

Our first team of chefs, Angelo and Gloria, start the recipe with love, adding it in heaps and mounds with wide open eyes.

Angelo and Gloria met 2 years ago and are now ready to start a new life together. Angelo has one child from a previous marriage. Gloria has a large extended family that spends most holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries together. Mixing these two spices can be exciting and challenging. Angelo and Gloria concentrate on what it is that brought them together: love. They both want time to enjoy life and share new experiences with each other and with 4-year-old Juan, Angelo’s son.

“It’s important to me to include Juan in my family’s celebrations”, Gloria says. “However, I never want him too feel overwhelmed. My family can be intense sometimes.”

Angelo explains, “I want Juan to feel comfortable with your family as much as I want him to feel he is a part of the family we are creating. I admit, I think your family may be more eager to prove who is better and forget Juan’s welfare.”

Their tool of choice for this recipe is wide open eyes. Before adding anything to the mix, they try wide open eyes to determine if using that tool will improve or detract from their feast. Both Angelo and Gloria are aware that it would be easy to make assumptions about what the other may want. They take time to voice concerns as they talk about how they see this feast coming together. They want to begin each conversation with the first ingredient: love. By keeping love as the focus of what they want to create, they begin preparing their recipe with wide open eyes.

The Challenge: Gloria’s family’s intense involvement.

Frequently during the week, several of Gloria’s aunts and other family members drop in—unannounced—for a visit. Angelo and Gloria brainstorm how to include Gloria’s family in their lives and help Juan get used to having more people around to love and support him. With wide open eyes, they look ahead. Angelo suggests increasing the recipe to include family dinners once every 2 months.

Gloria, who looks forward to adding Juan to her life, suggests this idea: She will request that her family members call before they add themselves to the mix. “My family has to understand that we need time to bond ourselves,” she says.

She and Angelo are creating a special menu with the love they have for each other to, in turn, allow Juan to feel safe and loved. The couple together will tackle the task of writing a recipe for Gloria’s family members to follow and will determine which events and celebrations to include the family recipe. They are working on a formula—a plan—for each of them to spend quality time with Juan. Angelo and Juan will keep some of their established routines; and Gloria’s menu includes a special time each day for just the two of them to play together. Juan’s job is to choose an activity he loves and wants to add to the mix.

The Result for Team 1

Juan’s birthday is an opportunity for both families to celebrate with him. Knowing that one relative overindulges at gatherings and becomes very loud, Gloria and Angelo anticipate this issue and agree to not serve alcohol at this birthday party. Also, Angelo is concerned that Juan is becoming too used to extravagance: “Gloria: What can we do to keep well-meaning family members from going overboard with gifts? I know everyone is excited about welcoming Juan, but I don’t want it to get out of hand.”

“Let’s put a little note on the invitation, such as ‘Due to limited space as we combine our families, smaller gifts are appreciated,’ “ Gloria suggests. “Or, we could remind them that the holidays are close at hand and they could split their generosity between the two events.”

The new couple clearly communicates their wishes regarding gifts. They decided to ask the family to concentrate on spending time with Juan and focus on celebrating his birthday. Remembering to start from the love that brought them together and agreeing to add ingredients with wide open eyes, Angelo and Gloria are creating a winning recipe.

Just as Angelo and Gloria create the recipe for their future with their eyes wide open, imagine your new family creating a recipe for the future. Together, decide which ingredients from the past add to the experience. Separate fears and assumptions from the truth. You can savor the flavor better with a full bite of information instead of settling for a nibble of suspicion and innuendo.

Every chef encounters problems; overcoming challenges adds flavor and richness to the recipe. Remember to keep your eyes opened wide as you carefully decide what common goals will guide you as the love you have binds your recipe together.

Team 2: Understanding

Our second team of chefs, Portia and Michael, add understanding to their recipe, demonstrating how the use of two ears and one mouth help them to overcome a common culinary mistake: too much assumption combined with unrealistic expectations, and all smothered in distrust.

Recently married, Portia and Michael set their sights on a honeymoon cruise. Planning for the trip, though, hasn’t been easy, because both come from past relationships in which trust was an issue—there wasn’t any. Portia’s last mate constantly questioned her about how she spent her time and with whom. He read her text messages and screened her e-mails. In Michael’s previous relationship, his wife had made all of the financial decisions. When he suggested vacation destinations, she simply told him, “That’s not where we’re going.” Michael also wanted to keep up with repairs around the house. His wife told him she didn’t trust him to know what he was doing and would hire someone for the task instead.

Each has experienced what distrust does to a recipe. Their remarriage recipe begins with understanding mixed with two ears and one mouth to improve trust in their relationship.

The Challenge: Overcoming trust issues of the past.

These chefs are creating a honeymoon together and agree to accumulate the necessary funds before leaving on their cruise. They decide to reschedule the trip if they do not have the money in hand before the last day to cancel. With a plan in place, they also agree to discuss any concerns along the way. This task will take several months to complete—and many more to master.

Portia begins working overtime to make extra money; Michael worries that Portia is staying late for other reasons. Distrust could quickly sour this recipe. However, this couple understands that making changes together creates a stronger union, but trying to change one another will spoil the recipe.

These remarriage chefs begin their preparation using two ears and one mouth in combination with understanding. They start on common ground by talking about what they are working toward, and why.

“Portia,” Michael begins, “I know you are working overtime to contribute to our honeymoon fund. But I have to tell you: I’m not comfortable about the number of hours you’re working. Companies aren’t giving that much overtime these days. Why are you gone so long?”

Portia listens carefully to what Michael says and what he doesn’t say. “Michael, I know trust is an issue for both of us. Are you worried I may be elsewhere instead of at work?”

Listening to each other’s perspective using the two ears and one mouth tool, they are able to keep the conversation civil and focused on their goal: to pay for their dream honeymoon upfront. Each time one of these chefs speaks, the other listens intently to what is being said and may question what might be held in reserve. Michael explains how he is feeling. Portia listens without interrupting. When he’s finished, Michael listens to Portia and asks for clarification on any point he doesn’t understand. Each attempts to focus on what the other is saying, rather than concentrating on what to say next.

The Result for Team 2

Portia understands Michael may feel insecure about her overtime. She is sensitive to Michael’s feelings of being negated in his prior relationships. She asks, “What would make you feel better about the extra time I am working?”

Michael hesitates, then asks, “What other ideas can we come up with to bring in extra money that the two of us can work together on?”

The couple discusses some of their options. Michael concedes that, for right now, Portia has the best opportunity to bring in more money. He conveys his trust in Portia by supporting her efforts to make extra money. “Portia, the money you can make is great and may only last a few weeks. We should take advantage of that opportunity as long as you are willing.”

Portia, in turn, asks Michael to decide what they might try next. Their recipe, which calls for using two ears and one mouth to incorporate understanding and trust, increases the palatability of the differences chefs may bring to the kitchen of life.

Two people who are working together toward a common goal can overcome culinary mistakes. When a conflict in “cooking” styles pops up, try mixing in two ears and one mouth. Create your recipe with understanding and trust in ginormous proportions.

Understanding is enhanced by listening—by placing full attention on the message being received. Listening does not involve the simultaneous exchange of words. If you already know what you are going to say, you have not fully heard your partner. Pause and ask questions that allow you to more fully understand your partner’s view.

Team 3: Common Values

Nicole and Daniel, our third team of chefs, are skilled at blending differences. To achieve consistent results, they use strong arms to embrace their common values.

Nicole and Daniel come from different family backgrounds. Although these two chefs were trained to cook differently, they share an affinity for five valuable ingredients: family unity, acceptance, honesty, growth, and support. They both have strong arms with which to embrace the changes they are seeking to bring to their pantry.

Both have been married previously. Daniel and his ex-wife have gone their separate ways and no longer communicate. Daniel’s former in-laws, though, still want to be a part of his life and the lives of their three grandchildren. Nicole’s ex-husband lives close by and shares custody of their two children. Nicole and Daniel also have a 2-year-old together.

The Challenge: Mixing old and new together in one pot.

Planning the menu for blending this family involves all of the skills a master chef can muster: preparation, open communication, a passion for improving, and teamwork. Like any widely appealing menu, there must be something for everyone to savor. Daniel and Nicole need to use their best tools to fuse the spices and herbs of both families into an intensely flavorful offering.

The maternal grandparents of Daniel’s kids want to stay involved with their grandchildren. Nicole’s ex-husband is inconsistent in his involvement with their kids. Nicole and Daniel have a strong desire for all of the children to feel valued and part of a loving family, no matter how big or how complicated. At first, Nicole and Daniel find it difficult to compromise without sacrificing the ingredients they value.

They agree to plan carefully as they combine the ingredients for their new family feast. By understanding what importance each places on the ingredients on hand, it becomes easier to find the common ground. That’s where they begin the preparation. With love as a guide, Daniel and Nicole take turns explaining which ingredients would be most valuable, and why; they embrace their similarities and their differences.

For Nicole, family unity is vital to a successful relationship. “Daniel, we need to figure out some ways to encourage these kids to stop feeling one is favored over another,” she complains. “I can’t keep playing referee, and neither can you. We have to change something or we’ll be a family divided.”

“I know, Daniel replies. “It’s going to get harder before it gets easier. How can we bring these kids together?” He adds, “Whatever happens, I insist on honesty. Lying will undermine everything we accomplish together.”

Although they come from different backgrounds, Nicole and Daniel can combine their most important values for dealing with both families.

The Result for Team 3

These chefs are consistent in measuring their commitment to unity before adding anything new as they blend families. They agree that each person contributes value. Focusing on common values leaves little room for doubt, blame, distrust, or selfishness.

Daniel is very big on everyone in the family feeling accepted for who they are. When dissention arises, he listens carefully for what is being said between the lines, instead of jumping to conclusions. Each time he listens with compassion and concern, he is rewarded with a bit more trust. He only gives advice to the kids if asked, and when he shares his advice, it is with the intent that the children always feel valued.

Nicole is supportive of Daniel’s ex in-laws’ desire to be a part of their grandkids’ lives. Her prep work involves establishing boundaries around the new family’s needs and schedules. She invites the grandparents to special activities and enlists their help when the kids’ schedules conflict. Daniel and Nicole have also encouraged the grandparents to include Nicole’s kids anytime they want.

Balancing flavors in this recipe is key. This couple is passionate about improving relationships and growing together, so they carefully plan events and activities to build on already established relationships. They are sensitive to each child’s needs and do what they can to balance those needs. With preparation, open communication, passion for growth, a sense of unity, and strong arms, Daniel and Nicole embrace the unique flavor of each family member to mingle in the mix.

When creating a new family unit, you are merging at least two belief systems, two sets of experiences, and two sets of values. When children are involved, the ingredients multiply. Illuminate the common values you share; building on those values will help prevent your making decisions based on an impulse that undermines your family values and the strength of the family’s relationships.

Ready or not, the next master chef challenge has begun! As you prepare your own recipe with wide open eyes, two ears and one mouth, and strong arms, remember the following:

Begin with the basic foundational ingredients of love, understanding, and common values.
Before you add your own herbs and spices, be careful that you don’t add “expired” flavors.
Keep the tools of wide open eyes and two ears and one mouth closed, and use them often. Use strong arms to embrace those flavors that enhance your recipe.
Fend off any old tastes that detract from or poison your culinary feast menu.
Relax and enjoy your new family feast.

Renée Canali, The Mindset Coach, helps young and old alike create innovative solutions to day-to-day obstacles. She expertly guides others to challenge their existing beliefs and assumptions, confront fear and resistance to change, and completely define their inner self. See her website at http://landofpossibility.com.

(Photo courtesy of www.istockphoto.com/stacey_newman)

And Baby Makes...Six

Sun, 07 Nov 2010 04:05:00 GMT

Our mutual baby changed our stepfamily dynamic in unimaginable ways.

by Jacquelyn B. Fletcher

Two years ago I joined the Mommy Club after years spent hovering around its edges as a stepmom to three kids, now ages 10, 12, and 15.

When I discovered I was pregnant, we told the kids and talked about how this event might evoke all sorts of different emotions in them—excitement, worry, jealousy. We assured them that the baby would just bring more love into our family. Everything seemed picture-perfect.

The cracks in our family began to show when I saw a picture of the baby in my belly and she became real to me. I found myself less and less tolerant of my stepchildren. The power of my emotional response floored me. But when a new baby is welcomed into a home where at least one parent has children from a previous relationship, stepfamily dynamics are split wide open again as people decide how they will relate in this new phase.

Us Against Them

When my daughter was born, I could suddenly see Us (my baby and me) and Them (my husband and his kids). Every time my husband was asked to spend more money, more time with his first children (and they suddenly became his children, not our family), I became more resentful as I imagined all of the resources my own child would not have. And because I really do love my stepchildren, I worried my vastly different feelings for the children living in my home would be transparent to them.

Luckily, I found out that I was not alone in my worry-a-thon.

Andrea has an 11-year-old stepdaughter and a 1-year-old son. She was concerned that she would show favoritism to her own child at the expense of her stepchild. “I love them both dearly, but with my son I had this rush of love,” Andrea says. “I don’t love my stepdaughter less than I loved her before. There are things I share with her that I will never share with the baby.”

Many new parents who have older children from a previous relationship or stepchildren worry they will love the new baby more, but that’s a normal feeling, according to Anne C. Bernstein, a family psychologist in Berkeley, California, and the author of Yours, Mine, and Ours: How Families Change When Remarried Parents Have a Child Together. “Any parent who has more than one child will tell you they don’t feel exactly the same about any two of their children. It is unrealistic to expect oneself to feel exactly the same about one’s stepchildren as about one’s children.”

Ultimately it’s less important how you feel about each of the children in your home and more about how you treat them. “It’s one thing to feel differently and it’s another thing to privilege one person’s needs over another, and that’s what you need to guard against,” Bernstein says.

‘Because I Said So’

I parent my stepchildren from the back seat. If any big decisions have to be made, my stepkids’ parents have the final say. But my daughter has only one set of parents. We don’t have to run anything we do by anyone else. It’s fantastic, but not without complications. My husband and I have had to learn how to parent together in a new way.

“When you’ve been parenting, there are some established patterns that may need to be rebalanced, but I think it’s very important that the new baby not be seen as the exclusive responsibility of the parent who has not been a parent before,” Bernstein says.

As Bernstein discovered in her research, a mutual child tips the parental balance so that couples who operated smoothly before the birth of the child suddenly have to redefine how they will relate to each other as parents. Talking openly about your new roles and responsibilities can help.

Oh, Baby

Many variables affect how a mutual child will feel. In blended families with children who’ve had vastly different childhoods, the older kids may experience jealousy and the mutual child, embarrassment.

“Challenges for the mutual child mostly have to do with comparing themselves to their half siblings,” says Bernstein. “There can be what some psychologists have called survivor guilt. ‘Why do I have it better than someone else?’ And that’s another reason why more differential treatment of children can have a negative consequence for the mutual child.”

When relationship expert John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, married his wife, Bonnie, she had two daughters. They later had a daughter together. “In my case,” he says, “the stepchildren quite often resent the birth child because it seems she is getting more. And she does get more time on some level, because the stepchildren will go visit their other parent.”

When my own half-sister was born, I was 16 years old. I was jealous at first, and worried that my father would no longer have time for me. Once I saw that my dad would still be involved in my life, I felt better. But even today, I feel a little pang when I think that my sister grew up with two parents, who are still together today, and I didn’t. Showing the older kids you understand that the birth of a child can bring up both happy and sad feelings for them can really help them deal with their tumultuous emotions.

In stepfamilies, transitions call into question the very nature and definition of the family because some of the members are not related by blood. Allow your feelings to come, whether they’re positive or negative. Acknowledge them and talk about them. Although it might not feel like it right now, your household will settle down once everyone figures out their new place in the family.

Jacquelyn B. Fletcher is a stepmother of three children and mom of one. She’s the author of the award-winning book A Career Girl’s Guide to Becoming a Stepmom (HarperCollins, 2007). Visit her website at www.becomingastepmom.com.

One on One Equals Love

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 23:09:00 GMT

To kids, love is spelled T-I-M-E. The best thing you can spend on your kids is time. Let all of your children, biological and step, know how valued they are in your family by creating a special parent–child activity. Doing so will not only be fun, but your children will be all the healthier and happier for it.

by Laura Cannon

As philosopher Jim Rohn once said, “Your family and your love must be cultivated like a garden. Time, effort, and imagination must be summoned constantly to keep any relationship flourishing and growing.” For stepfamilies, this concept may be even more of a reality. Healthy and well-functioning biological families are often defined by the quality of the relationships, communication, and exchanges among their members. Different relationship dynamics are at play in stepfamilies, however.

In a biological family, parents bond before children enter the picture, which helps them create a united parental front for their children. In a stepfamily, though, parent and biological child—whose relationship existed before the stepfamily formed—may often share a more powerful bond following the separation of their biological family unit because their relationship remained intact. As a result, the new stepparent may feel out of the loop and all may feel stressed. To ease the strain in the family, it is critical to find ways to address this unique dynamic.

‘Quantity Time’ Is Not the Answer
The best way is for the stepparent to create special time with their stepchildren. Cultivate your own bond with each stepchild, which lets the child know you are on his or her side and you sincerely want a valued relationship with that child. For instance, go on an exclusive parent–child date, but, when multiple stepchildren are involved, be sure to distribute your time evenly. You may find that this special time with your stepchildren stirs up jealousy among the biological kids, who may feel you are trying too hard to please their stepsiblings. Yet, you don't want your stepchildren to feel that you favor your biological children. The solution? Schedule alone time with every child—step and bio—in your family.

Just as it is important for you to spend quality time with your partner to keep your union strong, it is equally vital that your time with the kids be of high quality. Just saying, “Hey, let's go have ‘special time’ at Burger Barn” and then drinking a milkshake while you watch your stepdaughter run around in the play area isn't quite the same as doing something together. There is nothing wrong with taking your child to the local fast-food restaurant and letting her play in ball pit if you’re in the pit with her, but you probably aren’t going to fit through the tiny, plastic entryway! Instead, choose an activity that affords an opportunity to bond over your shared experience, such as miniature golf. “Quality one-on-one time,” says psychologist Jamie Rishikof, “gives parents the chance to enjoy their child, to engage in a dynamic that is neither instructional nor disciplining but is simply being together, and enjoying each other's company.”

Remember: Kids are very perceptive. You might think that it was time well spent when you and the children went grocery shopping, stopped by the post office for stamps, and set the table for dinner. Sure, you spent a quantity of time together, but children recognize when you are present for them and when they are more like an accessory to your day. To let your children know that you are not just squeezing them in, make a date with each that is free of anything task driven, and stick to it.

To reach the child best, though, special alone time must have the following traits, according to Fran Walfish, author of The Self-Aware Parent (Palgrave Macmillan, 2010):

one child and one adult
uninterrupted time, meaning no cell phones, computers, telephones, text messages, or e-mails during the designated period
an activity that is both age-appropriate for child and parent, plus enjoyable to both.

Are All Kids Treated Equally?

Spending one-on-one time will give you insight into your child's unique needs and desires. But, although it may seem a reasonable practice to handle all of your children the same, each child responds differently to various forms of attention. You will be more effective in creating a happy family if you treat each child in a way that works best for that child as an individual.

How do you find out which approach to use with one kid versus another? For starters, recognize that parenting is not a one-size-fits-all kind of thing. Get to know your child as a person—her thoughts, his opinions, her dreams or interests. Gary Unruh, author of Unleashing the Power of Parental Love: 4 Steps to Raising Joyful and Self-Confident Kids (Lighthouse Love Productions, 2010), says he hears the same thing from every kid who has a solid parent–child relationship that is based on alone time: “ ‘Who I am really matters to my dad and mom. They like to be with me.’ ” Kids just want to please their parents, whether bio or step.

Okay. You feel like you now have a handle on each kid and you’re ready to plan that alone time. An important step is to consider what activities are appropriate for each age group. There’s nothing that will make many teenagers cringe like the thought of “forced family fun”! Although the trip to the art museum may sound to you like a great bonding opportunity, your 15-year-old son may have a completely different view. How about asking your teenager what he would like to do with you for a change? Most teenagers would choose to spend their Saturday with friends over parents, especially if they feel they are being forced into an activity they wouldn’t enjoy. Allow your teen to suggest activities for the two of you.

Trust Takes Time
Especially when bonding with a teenager, you may be tempted to use your one-on-one time to play “Magnum P.I.” and interrogate the kid for details about his or her social or school life.

Resist the urge! Make this time together strictly F.F.O.—For Fun Only! You two will develop intimacy and openness over time. Instead, initially focus on establishing a trusting relationship by allowing your bio or stepchild the space to enjoy your company. Doing so gives each of your children a model of interaction. They’ll realize that this special alone time is something they have with only you, and when they really need you, they can count on having your undivided attention at a specific time and place.

An added bonus to setting up regular F.F.O. one-on-one outings is that “children whose parents spend quality time with them are more likely to speak with (and listen to) their parents, instead of relying on peers to tell them what is socially acceptable,” says Elizabeth Lombardo, psychologist and author of A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness (Morgan James, 2009). “Time with your children also translates to greater self-confidence, better grades, improved behaviors, less transgressions and happier, more resilient young people.”

Patience is critical to forming lasting bonds with your bio and stepchildren. According to marriage and family therapist Ashley Southard, “It often takes children several years to adjust to the transitions associated with living in a stepfamily. . . . Let them develop a relationship with their stepparent at a pace that feels comfortable to them, not you.” By getting to know who your children are in this steadfast and personal way, you will become more receptive to when each child needs time with you, even if the two of you don’t have an outing scheduled. Such increased receptivity has its rewards; for example, you spot your stepdaughter acting in a way that you now recognize is out of character for her, so you proactively schedule an impromptu bonding session. The message you’re sending to your child is that she matters.

As you build bonds with your children, inject a little spontaneity here and there. Think of your own relationship or marriage: As busy adults, you and your partner often have to set aside alone time on the calendar, even though this approach is not the most romantic. Recall a time, though, when you two shared a spur-of-the-moment evening together because it just so happened that all the kids were out of the house. How much fun was that?! You appreciated the spontaneity, and so will your kids.

Start bonding today! Begin by crafting a handwritten invitation to every child in your family, inviting each on a special parent–child F.F.O. day. You may choose to leave the invitation open and let each child come up with alone-time ideas, or describe the outing—be sure it’s age appropriate—and the time and place. By spending this quality time with all of your kids, you will soon find that your family garden is flourishing.

Laura Cannon is a nondenominational minister, transformational life coach, and couples coach who lives in Ellicott City, Maryland. Her upcoming book Creationships is designed to assist couples in using their marriage as a tool for growth and transformation. You can learn more about Laura’s services and read her blog at www.divinetransformation.com.

To Have or Have Not: Is There a Baby in Your Future?

Wed, 14 Jul 2010 04:02:00 GMT

One of the biggest decisions facing your new wedded bliss is to conceive or not to conceive. She wants the emotionally binding “cement baby”; he’s still saying, “Been there, done that.” What’s a loving couple to do?

by Gail Buchalter

Maybe you’re sipping a nonfat soy milk latte as you wriggle further into the cushy depths of the recliner. Middle age has descended upon you, yet here you are, thinking about having another child. Your mind wanders back to a younger time when you were married for the first time and knew it would last forever. The big question was when to have children, not if.

That was, of course, before the divorce. It was also before you had the pediatrician’s phone number on speed dial, driven to a thousand softball practices, or sold your soul for college tuition. Now you are remarried and thinking about having children??? You know the pitfalls; you know the joys. Or, perhaps you thought you knew your mind. Now here comes another spouse with a ticking biological clock.

So what are the variables of having children with a second spouse? Does it get easier because you are more mature? Or does it get harder because you are just plain older?

George Robinson had reached 50 not expecting to have children. His first wife, a buyer for Bloomies, knew from the get-go that children weren’t going to litter her career path. George, in his late twenties at the time, was also heavily involved in his work. They would have children when the time was right. It never was during their 9-year marriage, which has since dissolved. At age 53, though, George became a first-time dad.

He and Marissa dated for a few years. She had three children from her previous marriage: a girl in college and two boys in high school. Yet, from the beginning she talked about having a baby; he found himself quite taken with the idea. He married her, mostly to fulfill that wish.

Their daughter, Reese, was born, and Marissa’s older daughter began coming home more often on weekends to spend time with her new family. The teenage boys remained fairly oblivious to their little sister’s presence, though, finding her not nearly as enticing as a PlayStation. But Marissa, then 45, had figured it out. She could afford to stay home with this baby and had planned to work just 2 days a week. George was just as content.

“Yes, we’ve done the math,” he said, smiling. “When she’s 28, I’ll be 80. I do worry about being older, but hopefully she’ll keep me young. The good thing about being older is I have more patience now. I don’t take things for granted. I’m so thrilled to have a daughter.”

So far the Robinsons have had it easy. There were no furious ex-spouses, no disfranchised children. In other words, it’s far from the nightmare that Rachael Davis experienced when she remarried at 30. She had a young daughter, Elizabeth. Her second husband, Charles, had two grown children and two teenagers. The daughter was born with fetal alcohol syndrome and was bipolar. Her brother, too, had his problems. He was drunk and driving when he killed someone. Rachael had no illusions about the life she was marrying into, but was so in love she decided to just deal with it. Did that include having kids?

“No way,” Rachael said, with startling clarity. “My daughter was 8 at the time Charles and I married, and his youngest kids lived with us off and on for the first 8 years. They treated Elizabeth like she was a stepchild. They begrudged her anything we gave her, no matter what we had given them. I couldn’t bring another child into that environment. I could protect one, but no more. Had I been younger, I don’t think I could have survived those years myself.”

The Robinsons’ decision to have children and the Davises’ not to had nothing to do with age. For both couples, it was a case of circumstance. Yet for JoAnn E., it was all about getting older. She was finished pressing the snooze alarm on her biological clock. “My husband and I were having the time of our lives,” recalls JoAnn, 55, who first married in 1977. “We both had great jobs and great friends, beach weekends and freedom. Then, about 9 years into the marriage, we started talking about having a baby. We even went so far as to try.”

Thank goodness, she says, it didn’t work. “He finally said, ‘No can do.’ ” A life change of that magnitude was not for him, even though they had discussed it before the wedding. You could hear the very fabric of the marriage rending. “Although at the time it felt like I was choosing which arm to cut off, the marriage or a child,” she says, “divorce was inevitable.”

Two years later, JoAnn fell in love with Kevin. He, too, wanted kids, and thought time was running out. “Marrying again wasn’t that important,” says JoAnn, “but when you find the right someone, who wants the same thing, it’s such a bonus.” She delivered her daughter, Meagan, 16 months after she married. “I was 39, which wasn’t that old, but I was starting to worry if I waited much longer, I wouldn’t have the energy to raise a kid.” Although both had fulfilling careers, they agreed that he’d take the working lead and she’d devote more time to parenting—with both engaged in Meagan’s nurturing. Luckily, both embraced this life change.

For Anne G., it didn’t matter how much a husband was willing to pitch in. She was never going to have kids. At 56, she embarked on her fifth marriage, having miraculously found five men who decided—as she did—not to raise the children issue. (She was a noncustodial stepmom to two along the way; that, or the view of her own dad’s remarriage with his new family, caused her to think the better of it.) Looking back, she has no regrets.

On the other hand, Alice Thornton had always wanted two children. She also wanted a responsible husband to morph into a great dad. That wasn’t going to happen. Instead, Alice, who married at 21, divorced 13 years later, childless. Two years went by, and she met Richard. Within 4 months they were living together and pregnant. He was 49 and thrilled with the onset of his fourth child; she was 36 and leery. “It all happened too quickly,” said Alice. “If I hadn’t gotten pregnant things would have turned out differently. I wanted a child and to be married and thought it might work out. Now, at least, I have two children. But I don’t know what the future holds.”

Their shotgun wedding sans shotgun turned into even more of a crap shoot, and the die rolled wildly. The problem began, Alice says, with the arrival of her teenaged stepdaughter, Jamie, who moved in. “Unfortunately, my relationship with my husband depends on his daughter,” she said. “She is daddy’s little girl, and I have become the wicked stepmother. . . . She is jealous of me and competitive with our [young] son. My husband does nothing to alleviate the situation and allows her to be disrespectful towards me. I’m beginning to feel as though I’m preparing myself mentally to leave, but hope it won’t come to that.”

Unlike the Thorntons, though, the other couples left little to chance when deciding to have or not have a baby. JoAnn, an editor, was able to configure her work so she could do it from home; she couldn’t have pulled this off earlier in her career. George Robinson has already set up a trust fund for his daughter’s college tuition. Age brought with it financial stability. Maturity brought with it the right questions. “Can we afford a child?” and “Are we ready to have a baby?” are from the past.

Now the relevant question is, What will a baby add to our lives? Those who respond, “Chaos,” like the Davises, generally choose not to have children. Others, who start glowing even before they’re pregnant, figure, What the heck? The pediatrician’s already on speed dial.

Gail Buchalter is a freelance writer living on Maryland’s Eastern Shore.