Reader writes:   How do you show respect to an ex that doesn’t show their ex (my boyfriend) any respect? She calls when she wants something, and doesn’t return calls made to her. She has seriously bad-mouthed him to their girls because he left her, and in her mind it was because of me, so I am the bad guy as well. My boyfriend isn’t a spring chicken, and I feel bad that he isn’t allowed to have any relationship with his girls because of what his ex has told them.

My boyfriend has a wonderful relationship with both of my children. I have pictures and things from my kids, whereas he doesn’t because of his ex. I feel guilty at times because I get to have my kids and he doesn’t. I am very outspoken that they may not be my kids, but what if something were to happen to him and they have lost all this time that they could’ve been in his life?

He has told his ex that he would pay for counseling for him and the girls so they could have some sort of relationship, and the only thing she can ask is if he has his life together and is living alone. When she does talk to him, she asks questions about me and my kids. She has been told that it is none of her concern, yet she still insists on asking. When they were going through their divorce, I was the one, according to her, that was doing everything – her office was broken into and this and that. She doesn’t even know me from Jane Doe, and she is making up things about me. I do worry about her showing up after he has gone for work or coming into the house while we are gone. (She did this while they were separated and divorcing.)  She has made the comment that "locksmiths are cheap."

What advice can you provide?

Chuck and Jae reply:  It sounds like your boyfriend’s children are choosing not to spend time with him, basically because of what their mother has been telling them about him. We assume, then, that they have reached the age where they can legally make that choice; otherwise, her boyfriend would normally have visitation rights that could not be denied him, except for the most serious of reasons. 

If they are old enough, they are probably avoiding contact with him because, for whatever reasons, they feel they must remain loyal to their mother. Perhaps when they get older, and are on their own, they may seek him out and attempt to have a relationship with him. In the meantime, we suggest he continue to acknowledge their special days (birthdays, graduations, holidays, etc.) with a card and a gift, as appropriate. 

Alternatively, he could open savings accounts for them or invest in savings bonds in their name for their future use. For the children’s sake, it is important for both of you to act respectfully (read politely) during any communications with their mother. It sounds like your boyfriend’s ex is still very angry about his leaving her and, even though they are divorced, is unable to let go. The only person who can change that situation is she. 

In the meantime, try not to react to her in ways that will fan the flames of her anger. Understand that the only thing you have control over here is how you choose to respond to what is going on. You can either be a positive voice or just another log on the fire.

As for her comment that “locksmiths are cheap,” we don’t believe locksmiths can legally unlock a property that doesn’t belong to someone.  If you truly believe her threats are serious, you may have to involve the police.