Our mutual baby changed our stepfamily dynamic in unimaginable ways.

by Jacquelyn B. Fletcher

Two years ago I joined the Mommy Club after years spent hovering around its edges as a stepmom to three kids, now ages 10, 12, and 15.

When I discovered I was pregnant, we told the kids and talked about how this event might evoke all sorts of different emotions in them—excitement, worry, jealousy. We assured them that the baby would just bring more love into our family. Everything seemed picture-perfect.

The cracks in our family began to show when I saw a picture of the baby in my belly and she became real to me. I found myself less and less tolerant of my stepchildren. The power of my emotional response floored me. But when a new baby is welcomed into a home where at least one parent has children from a previous relationship, stepfamily dynamics are split wide open again as people decide how they will relate in this new phase.

Us Against Them

When my daughter was born, I could suddenly see Us (my baby and me) and Them (my husband and his kids). Every time my husband was asked to spend more money, more time with his first children (and they suddenly became his children, not our family), I became more resentful as I imagined all of the resources my own child would not have. And because I really do love my stepchildren, I worried my vastly different feelings for the children living in my home would be transparent to them.

Luckily, I found out that I was not alone in my worry-a-thon.

Andrea has an 11-year-old stepdaughter and a 1-year-old son. She was concerned that she would show favoritism to her own child at the expense of her stepchild. “I love them both dearly, but with my son I had this rush of love,” Andrea says. “I don’t love my stepdaughter less than I loved her before. There are things I share with her that I will never share with the baby.”

Many new parents who have older children from a previous relationship or stepchildren worry they will love the new baby more, but that’s a normal feeling, according to Anne C. Bernstein, a family psychologist in Berkeley, California, and the author of Yours, Mine, and Ours: How Families Change When Remarried Parents Have a Child Together. “Any parent who has more than one child will tell you they don’t feel exactly the same about any two of their children. It is unrealistic to expect oneself to feel exactly the same about one’s stepchildren as about one’s children.”

Ultimately it’s less important how you feel about each of the children in your home and more about how you treat them. “It’s one thing to feel differently and it’s another thing to privilege one person’s needs over another, and that’s what you need to guard against,” Bernstein says.

‘Because I Said So’

I parent my stepchildren from the back seat. If any big decisions have to be made, my stepkids’ parents have the final say. But my daughter has only one set of parents. We don’t have to run anything we do by anyone else. It’s fantastic, but not without complications. My husband and I have had to learn how to parent together in a new way.

“When you’ve been parenting, there are some established patterns that may need to be rebalanced, but I think it’s very important that the new baby not be seen as the exclusive responsibility of the parent who has not been a parent before,” Bernstein says.

As Bernstein discovered in her research, a mutual child tips the parental balance so that couples who operated smoothly before the birth of the child suddenly have to redefine how they will relate to each other as parents. Talking openly about your new roles and responsibilities can help.

Oh, Baby

Many variables affect how a mutual child will feel. In blended families with children who’ve had vastly different childhoods, the older kids may experience jealousy and the mutual child, embarrassment.

“Challenges for the mutual child mostly have to do with comparing themselves to their half siblings,” says Bernstein. “There can be what some psychologists have called survivor guilt. ‘Why do I have it better than someone else?’ And that’s another reason why more differential treatment of children can have a negative consequence for the mutual child.”

When relationship expert John Gray, author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, married his wife, Bonnie, she had two daughters. They later had a daughter together. “In my case,” he says, “the stepchildren quite often resent the birth child because it seems she is getting more. And she does get more time on some level, because the stepchildren will go visit their other parent.”

When my own half-sister was born, I was 16 years old. I was jealous at first, and worried that my father would no longer have time for me. Once I saw that my dad would still be involved in my life, I felt better. But even today, I feel a little pang when I think that my sister grew up with two parents, who are still together today, and I didn’t. Showing the older kids you understand that the birth of a child can bring up both happy and sad feelings for them can really help them deal with their tumultuous emotions.

In stepfamilies, transitions call into question the very nature and definition of the family because some of the members are not related by blood. Allow your feelings to come, whether they’re positive or negative. Acknowledge them and talk about them. Although it might not feel like it right now, your household will settle down once everyone figures out their new place in the family.

Jacquelyn B. Fletcher is a stepmother of three children and mom of one. She’s the author of the award-winning book A Career Girl’s Guide to Becoming a Stepmom (HarperCollins, 2007). Visit her website at www.becomingastepmom.com. 

Last time you tried a new recipe, you may have felt intimidated about following it correctly: measuring new ingredients and adding them in the right order. Imagine cooking up a great remarriage with unfamiliar things. Here’s how three couples achieved recipe success, and how you can too.

by Renée Canali

What do a master chef and a successful remarriage have in common? They both use proven recipes as a basis for their feasts. A master chef begins with the knowledge of the ingredients he or she wants to combine that will compliment each other and bring out the best flavors for the feast. A successful remarriage also takes preparation and proven recipes.

Each feast begins with appetizers, and relationships are no different. When meeting someone new and developing an interest, we offer that person little “tastes” of who we are. As the relationship intensifies, we continue to entice each other to stay for the next course. When both partners remain interested, they begin to plan their recipe for remarriage.

All recipes begin with basic ingredients. Chefs bring their own creativity to the kitchen as they masterfully add their signature flavors and spices to the feast. In a remarriage, we tend to begin with spices we have always used, leaving the basics for later. Our palates guide us to begin cooking with what’s familiar—and not necessarily what’s desired.

For your own recipe for a successful remarriage, watch the following three teams in action as they demonstrate how to use three basic ingredients:

1. Love
2. Understanding
3. Common values.

Team 1: Love

Our first team of chefs, Angelo and Gloria, start the recipe with love, adding it in heaps and mounds with wide open eyes.

Angelo and Gloria met 2 years ago and are now ready to start a new life together. Angelo has one child from a previous marriage. Gloria has a large extended family that spends most holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries together. Mixing these two spices can be exciting and challenging. Angelo and Gloria concentrate on what it is that brought them together: love. They both want time to enjoy life and share new experiences with each other and with 4-year-old Juan, Angelo’s son.

“It’s important to me to include Juan in my family’s celebrations”, Gloria says. “However, I never want him too feel overwhelmed. My family can be intense sometimes.”

Angelo explains, “I want Juan to feel comfortable with your family as much as I want him to feel he is a part of the family we are creating. I admit, I think your family may be more eager to prove who is better and forget Juan’s welfare.”

Their tool of choice for this recipe is wide open eyes. Before adding anything to the mix, they try wide open eyes to determine if using that tool will improve or detract from their feast. Both Angelo and Gloria are aware that it would be easy to make assumptions about what the other may want. They take time to voice concerns as they talk about how they see this feast coming together. They want to begin each conversation with the first ingredient: love. By keeping love as the focus of what they want to create, they begin preparing their recipe with wide open eyes.

The Challenge: Gloria’s family’s intense involvement.

Frequently during the week, several of Gloria’s aunts and other family members drop in—unannounced—for a visit. Angelo and Gloria brainstorm how to include Gloria’s family in their lives and help Juan get used to having more people around to love and support him. With wide open eyes, they look ahead. Angelo suggests increasing the recipe to include family dinners once every 2 months.

Gloria, who looks forward to adding Juan to her life, suggests this idea: She will request that her family members call before they add themselves to the mix. “My family has to understand that we need time to bond ourselves,” she says.

She and Angelo are creating a special menu with the love they have for each other to, in turn, allow Juan to feel safe and loved. The couple together will tackle the task of writing a recipe for Gloria’s family members to follow and will determine which events and celebrations to include the family recipe. They are working on a formula—a plan—for each of them to spend quality time with Juan. Angelo and Juan will keep some of their established routines; and Gloria’s menu includes a special time each day for just the two of them to play together. Juan’s job is to choose an activity he loves and wants to add to the mix.

The Result for Team 1

Juan’s birthday is an opportunity for both families to celebrate with him. Knowing that one relative overindulges at gatherings and becomes very loud, Gloria and Angelo anticipate this issue and agree to not serve alcohol at this birthday party. Also, Angelo is concerned that Juan is becoming too used to extravagance: “Gloria: What can we do to keep well-meaning family members from going overboard with gifts? I know everyone is excited about welcoming Juan, but I don’t want it to get out of hand.”

“Let’s put a little note on the invitation, such as ‘Due to limited space as we combine our families, smaller gifts are appreciated,’ “ Gloria suggests. “Or, we could remind them that the holidays are close at hand and they could split their generosity between the two events.”

The new couple clearly communicates their wishes regarding gifts. They decided to ask the family to concentrate on spending time with Juan and focus on celebrating his birthday. Remembering to start from the love that brought them together and agreeing to add ingredients with wide open eyes, Angelo and Gloria are creating a winning recipe.

Just as Angelo and Gloria create the recipe for their future with their eyes wide open, imagine your new family creating a recipe for the future. Together, decide which ingredients from the past add to the experience. Separate fears and assumptions from the truth. You can savor the flavor better with a full bite of information instead of settling for a nibble of suspicion and innuendo.

Every chef encounters problems; overcoming challenges adds flavor and richness to the recipe. Remember to keep your eyes opened wide as you carefully decide what common goals will guide you as the love you have binds your recipe together.

Team 2: Understanding

Our second team of chefs, Portia and Michael, add understanding to their recipe, demonstrating how the use of two ears and one mouth help them to overcome a common culinary mistake: too much assumption combined with unrealistic expectations, and all smothered in distrust.

Recently married, Portia and Michael set their sights on a honeymoon cruise. Planning for the trip, though, hasn’t been easy, because both come from past relationships in which trust was an issue—there wasn’t any. Portia’s last mate constantly questioned her about how she spent her time and with whom. He read her text messages and screened her e-mails. In Michael’s previous relationship, his wife had made all of the financial decisions. When he suggested vacation destinations, she simply told him, “That’s not where we’re going.” Michael also wanted to keep up with repairs around the house. His wife told him she didn’t trust him to know what he was doing and would hire someone for the task instead.

Each has experienced what distrust does to a recipe. Their remarriage recipe begins with understanding mixed with two ears and one mouth to improve trust in their relationship.

The Challenge: Overcoming trust issues of the past.

These chefs are creating a honeymoon together and agree to accumulate the necessary funds before leaving on their cruise. They decide to reschedule the trip if they do not have the money in hand before the last day to cancel. With a plan in place, they also agree to discuss any concerns along the way. This task will take several months to complete—and many more to master.

Portia begins working overtime to make extra money; Michael worries that Portia is staying late for other reasons. Distrust could quickly sour this recipe. However, this couple understands that making changes together creates a stronger union, but trying to change one another will spoil the recipe.

These remarriage chefs begin their preparation using two ears and one mouth in combination with understanding. They start on common ground by talking about what they are working toward, and why.

“Portia,” Michael begins, “I know you are working overtime to contribute to our honeymoon fund. But I have to tell you: I’m not comfortable about the number of hours you’re working. Companies aren’t giving that much overtime these days. Why are you gone so long?”

Portia listens carefully to what Michael says and what he doesn’t say. “Michael, I know trust is an issue for both of us. Are you worried I may be elsewhere instead of at work?”

Listening to each other’s perspective using the two ears and one mouth tool, they are able to keep the conversation civil and focused on their goal: to pay for their dream honeymoon upfront. Each time one of these chefs speaks, the other  listens intently to what is being said and may question what might be held in reserve. Michael explains how he is feeling. Portia listens without interrupting. When he’s finished, Michael listens to Portia and asks for clarification on any point he doesn’t understand. Each attempts to focus on what the other is saying, rather than concentrating on what to say next.

The Result for Team 2

Portia understands Michael may feel insecure about her overtime. She is sensitive to Michael’s feelings of being negated in his prior relationships. She asks, “What would make you feel better about the extra time I am working?”

Michael hesitates, then asks, “What other ideas can we come up with to bring in extra money that the two of us can work together on?”

The couple discusses some of their options. Michael concedes that, for right now, Portia has the best opportunity to bring in more money. He conveys his trust in Portia by supporting her efforts to make extra money. “Portia, the money you can make is great and may only last a few weeks. We should take advantage of that opportunity as long as you are willing.”

Portia, in turn, asks Michael to decide what they might try next. Their recipe, which calls for using two ears and one mouth to incorporate understanding and trust, increases the palatability of the differences chefs may bring to the kitchen of life.

Two people who are working together toward a common goal can overcome culinary mistakes. When a conflict in “cooking” styles pops up, try mixing in two ears and one mouth. Create your recipe with understanding and trust in ginormous proportions.

Understanding is enhanced by listening—by placing full attention on the message being received. Listening does not involve the simultaneous exchange of words. If you already know what you are going to say, you have not fully heard your partner. Pause and ask questions that allow you to more fully understand your partner’s view.

Team 3: Common Values

Nicole and Daniel, our third team of chefs, are skilled at blending differences. To achieve consistent results, they use strong arms to embrace their common values.

Nicole and Daniel come from different family backgrounds. Although these two chefs were trained to cook differently, they share an affinity for five valuable ingredients: family unity, acceptance, honesty, growth, and support. They both have strong arms with which to embrace the changes they are seeking to bring to their pantry.

Both have been married previously. Daniel and his ex-wife have gone their separate ways and no longer communicate. Daniel’s former in-laws, though, still want to be a part of his life and the lives of their three grandchildren. Nicole’s ex-husband lives close by and shares custody of their two children. Nicole and Daniel also have a 2-year-old together.

The Challenge: Mixing old and new together in one pot.

Planning the menu for blending this family involves all of the skills a master chef can muster: preparation, open communication, a passion for improving, and teamwork. Like any widely appealing menu, there must be something for everyone to savor. Daniel and Nicole need to use their best tools to fuse the spices and herbs of both families into an intensely flavorful offering.

The maternal grandparents of Daniel’s kids want to stay involved with their grandchildren. Nicole’s ex-husband is inconsistent in his involvement with their kids. Nicole and Daniel have a strong desire for all of the children to feel valued and part of a loving family, no matter how big or how complicated. At first, Nicole and Daniel find it difficult to compromise without sacrificing the ingredients they value.

They agree to plan carefully as they combine the ingredients for their new family feast. By understanding what importance each places on the ingredients on hand, it becomes easier to find the common ground. That’s where they begin the preparation. With love as a guide, Daniel and Nicole take turns explaining which ingredients would be most valuable, and why; they embrace their similarities and their differences.

For Nicole, family unity is vital to a successful relationship. “Daniel, we need to figure out some ways to encourage these kids to stop feeling one is favored over another,” she complains. “I can’t keep playing referee, and neither can you. We have to change something or we’ll be a family divided.”

“I know, Daniel replies. “It’s going to get harder before it gets easier. How can we bring these kids together?” He adds, “Whatever happens, I insist on honesty. Lying will undermine everything we accomplish together.”

Although they come from different backgrounds, Nicole and Daniel can combine their most important values for dealing with both families.

The Result for Team 3

These chefs are consistent in measuring their commitment to unity before adding anything new as they blend families. They agree that each person contributes value. Focusing on common values leaves little room for doubt, blame, distrust, or selfishness.

Daniel is very big on everyone in the family feeling accepted for who they are. When dissention arises, he listens carefully for what is being said between the lines, instead of jumping to conclusions. Each time he listens with compassion and concern, he is rewarded with a bit more trust. He only gives advice to the kids if asked, and when he shares his advice, it is with the intent that the children always feel valued.

Nicole is supportive of Daniel’s ex in-laws’ desire to be a part of their grandkids’ lives. Her prep work involves establishing boundaries around the new family’s needs and schedules. She invites the grandparents to special activities and enlists their help when the kids’ schedules conflict. Daniel and Nicole have also encouraged the grandparents to include Nicole’s kids anytime they want.

Balancing flavors in this recipe is key. This couple is passionate about improving relationships and growing together, so they carefully plan events and activities to build on already established relationships. They are sensitive to each child’s needs and do what they can to balance those needs. With preparation, open communication, passion for growth, a sense of unity, and strong arms, Daniel and Nicole embrace the unique flavor of each family member to mingle in the mix.

When creating a new family unit, you are merging at least two belief systems, two sets of experiences, and two sets of values. When children are involved, the ingredients multiply. Illuminate the common values you share; building on those values will help prevent your making decisions based on an impulse that undermines your family values and the strength of the family’s relationships.

Ready or not, the next master chef challenge has begun! As you prepare your own recipe with wide open eyes, two ears and one mouth, and strong arms, remember the following:

• Begin with the basic foundational ingredients of love, understanding, and common values.
• Before you add your own herbs and spices, be careful that you don’t add “expired” flavors.
• Keep the tools of wide open eyes and two ears and one mouth closed, and use them often. Use strong arms to embrace those flavors that enhance your recipe.
• Fend off any old tastes that detract from or poison your culinary feast menu.
• Relax and enjoy your new family feast.

Renée Canali, The Mindset Coach, helps young and old alike create innovative solutions to day-to-day obstacles. She expertly guides others to challenge their existing beliefs and assumptions, confront fear and resistance to change, and completely define their inner self. See her website at http://landofpossibility.com.

(Photo courtesy of www.istockphoto.com/stacey_newman)

To kids, love is spelled T-I-M-E. The best thing you can spend on your kids is time. Let all of your children, biological and step, know how valued they are in your family by creating a special parent–child activity. Doing so will not only be fun, but your children will be all the healthier and happier for it.

by Laura Cannon

As philosopher Jim Rohn once said, “Your family and your love must be cultivated like a garden. Time, effort, and imagination must be summoned constantly to keep any relationship flourishing and growing.” For stepfamilies, this concept may be even more of a reality. Healthy and well-functioning biological families are often defined by the quality of the relationships, communication, and exchanges among their members. Different relationship dynamics are at play in stepfamilies, however.

In a biological family, parents bond before children enter the picture, which helps them create a united parental front for their children. In a stepfamily, though, parent and biological child—whose relationship existed before the stepfamily formed—may often share a more powerful bond following the separation of their biological family unit because their relationship remained intact. As a result, the new stepparent may feel out of the loop and all may feel stressed. To ease the strain in the family, it is critical to find ways to address this unique dynamic.

‘Quantity Time’ Is Not the Answer
The best way is for the stepparent to create special time with their stepchildren. Cultivate your own bond with each stepchild, which lets the child know you are on his or her side and you sincerely want a valued relationship with that child. For instance, go on an exclusive parent–child date, but, when multiple stepchildren are involved, be sure to distribute your time evenly. You may find that this special time with your stepchildren stirs up jealousy among the biological kids, who may feel you are trying too hard to please their stepsiblings. Yet, you don't want your stepchildren to feel that you favor your biological children. The solution? Schedule alone time with every child—step and bio—in your family.

Just as it is important for you to spend quality time with your partner to keep your union strong, it is equally vital that your time with the kids be of high quality. Just saying, “Hey, let's go have ‘special time’ at Burger Barn” and then drinking a milkshake while you watch your stepdaughter run around in the play area isn't quite the same as doing something together. There is nothing wrong with taking your child to the local fast-food restaurant and letting her play in ball pit if you’re in the pit with her, but you probably aren’t going to fit through the tiny, plastic entryway! Instead, choose an activity that affords an opportunity to bond over your shared experience, such as miniature golf. “Quality one-on-one time,” says psychologist Jamie Rishikof, “gives parents the chance to enjoy their child, to engage in a dynamic that is neither instructional nor disciplining but is simply being together, and enjoying each other's company.”

Remember: Kids are very perceptive. You might think that it was time well spent when you and the children went grocery shopping, stopped by the post office for stamps, and set the table for dinner. Sure, you spent a quantity of time together, but children recognize when you are present for them and when they are more like an accessory to your day. To let your children know that you are not just squeezing them in, make a date with each that is free of anything task driven, and stick to it.

To reach the child best, though, special alone time must have the following traits, according to Fran Walfish, author of The Self-Aware Parent (Palgrave Macmillan, 2010):

• one child and one adult
• uninterrupted time, meaning no cell phones, computers, telephones, text messages, or e-mails during the designated period
• an activity that is both age-appropriate for child and parent, plus enjoyable to both. 

Okay. You feel like you now have a handle on each kid and you’re ready to plan that alone time. An important step is to consider what activities are appropriate for each age group. There’s nothing that will make many teenagers cringe like the thought of “forced family fun”! Although the trip to the art museum may sound to you like a great bonding opportunity, your 15-year-old son may have a completely different view. How about asking your teenager what he would like to do with you for a change? Most teenagers would choose to spend their Saturday with friends over parents, especially if they feel they are being forced into an activity they wouldn’t enjoy. Allow your teen to suggest activities for the two of you.

Trust Takes Time
Especially when bonding with a teenager, you may be tempted to use your one-on-one time to play “Magnum P.I.” and interrogate the kid for details about his or her social or school life.

Resist the urge! Make this time together strictly F.F.O.—For Fun Only! You two will develop intimacy and openness over time. Instead, initially focus on establishing a trusting relationship by allowing your bio or stepchild the space to enjoy your company. Doing so gives each of your children a model of interaction. They’ll realize that this special alone time is something they have with only you, and when they really need you, they can count on having your undivided attention at a specific time and place.

An added bonus to setting up regular F.F.O. one-on-one outings is that “children whose parents spend quality time with them are more likely to speak with (and listen to) their parents, instead of relying on peers to tell them what is socially acceptable,” says Elizabeth Lombardo, psychologist and author of A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness (Morgan James, 2009). “Time with your children also translates to greater self-confidence, better grades, improved behaviors, less transgressions and happier, more resilient young people.”

Patience is critical to forming lasting bonds with your bio and stepchildren. According to marriage and family therapist Ashley Southard, “It often takes children several years to adjust to the transitions associated with living in a stepfamily. . . . Let them develop a relationship with their stepparent at a pace that feels comfortable to them, not you.” By getting to know who your children are in this steadfast and personal way, you will become more receptive to when each child needs time with you, even if the two of you don’t have an outing scheduled. Such increased receptivity has its rewards; for example, you spot your stepdaughter acting in a way that you now recognize is out of character for her, so you proactively schedule an impromptu bonding session. The message you’re sending to your child is that she matters.

As you build bonds with your children, inject a little spontaneity here and there. Think of your own relationship or marriage: As busy adults, you and your partner often have to set aside alone time on the calendar, even though this approach is not the most romantic. Recall a time, though, when you two shared a spur-of-the-moment evening together because it just so happened that all the kids were out of the house. How much fun was that?! You appreciated the spontaneity, and so will your kids.

Start bonding today! Begin by crafting a handwritten invitation to every child in your family, inviting each on a special parent–child F.F.O. day. You may choose to leave the invitation open and let each child come up with alone-time ideas, or describe the outing—be sure it’s age appropriate—and the time and place. By spending this quality time with all of your kids, you will soon find that your family garden is flourishing.

One of the biggest decisions facing your new wedded bliss is to conceive or not to conceive. She wants the emotionally binding “cement baby”; he’s still saying, “Been there, done that.” What’s a loving couple to do?

by Gail Buchalter

Maybe you’re sipping a nonfat soy milk latte as you wriggle further into the cushy depths of the recliner. Middle age has descended upon you, yet here you are, thinking about having another child. Your mind wanders back to a younger time when you were married for the first time and knew it would last forever. The big question was when to have children, not if.

That was, of course, before the divorce. It was also before you had the pediatrician’s phone number on speed dial, driven to a thousand softball practices, or sold your soul for college tuition. Now you are remarried and thinking about having children??? You know the pitfalls; you know the joys. Or, perhaps you thought you knew your mind. Now here comes another spouse with a ticking biological clock.

So what are the variables of having children with a second spouse? Does it get easier because you are more mature? Or does it get harder because you are just plain older?

George Robinson had reached 50 not expecting to have children. His first wife, a buyer for Bloomies, knew from the get-go that children weren’t going to litter her career path. George, in his late twenties at the time, was also heavily involved in his work. They would have children when the time was right. It never was during their 9-year marriage, which has since dissolved. At age 53, though, George became a first-time dad.

He and Marissa dated for a few years. She had three children from her previous marriage: a girl in college and two boys in high school. Yet, from the beginning she talked about having a baby; he found himself quite taken with the idea. He married her, mostly to fulfill that wish.

Their daughter, Reese, was born, and Marissa’s older daughter began coming home more often on weekends to spend time with her new family. The teenage boys remained fairly oblivious to their little sister’s presence, though, finding her not nearly as enticing as a PlayStation. But Marissa, then 45, had figured it out. She could afford to stay home with this baby and had planned to work just 2 days a week. George was just as content.

“Yes, we’ve done the math,” he said, smiling. “When she’s 28, I’ll be 80. I do worry about being older, but hopefully she’ll keep me young. The good thing about being older is I have more patience now. I don’t take things for granted. I’m so thrilled to have a daughter.”

So far the Robinsons have had it easy. There were no furious ex-spouses, no disfranchised children. In other words, it’s far from the nightmare that Rachael Davis experienced when she remarried at 30. She had a young daughter, Elizabeth. Her second husband, Charles, had two grown children and two teenagers. The daughter was born with fetal alcohol syndrome and was bipolar. Her brother, too, had his problems. He was drunk and driving when he killed someone. Rachael had no illusions about the life she was marrying into, but was so in love she decided to just deal with it. Did that include having kids?

“No way,” Rachael said, with startling clarity. “My daughter was 8 at the time Charles and I married, and his youngest kids lived with us off and on for the first 8 years. They treated Elizabeth like she was a stepchild. They begrudged her anything we gave her, no matter what we had given them. I couldn’t bring another child into that environment. I could protect one, but no more. Had I been younger, I don’t think I could have survived those years myself.”

The Robinsons’ decision to have children and the Davises’ not to had nothing to do with age. For both couples, it was a case of circumstance. Yet for JoAnn E., it was all about getting older. She was finished pressing the snooze alarm on her biological clock. “My husband and I were having the time of our lives,” recalls JoAnn, 55, who first married in 1977. “We both had great jobs and great friends, beach weekends and freedom. Then, about 9 years into the marriage, we started talking about having a baby. We even went so far as to try.”

Thank goodness, she says, it didn’t work. “He finally said, ‘No can do.’ ” A life change of that magnitude was not for him, even though they had discussed it before the wedding. You could hear the very fabric of the marriage rending. “Although at the time it felt like I was choosing which arm to cut off, the marriage or a child,” she says, “divorce was inevitable.”

Two years later, JoAnn fell in love with Kevin. He, too, wanted kids, and thought time was running out. “Marrying again wasn’t that important,” says JoAnn, “but when you find the right someone, who wants the same thing, it’s such a bonus.” She delivered her daughter, Meagan, 16 months after she married. “I was 39, which wasn’t that old, but I was starting to worry if I waited much longer, I wouldn’t have the energy to raise a kid.” Although both had fulfilling careers, they agreed that he’d take the working lead and she’d devote more time to parenting—with both engaged in Meagan’s nurturing. Luckily, both embraced this life change.

For Anne G., it didn’t matter how much a husband was willing to pitch in. She was never going to have kids. At 56, she embarked on her fifth marriage, having miraculously found five men who decided—as she did—not to raise the children issue. (She was a noncustodial stepmom to two along the way; that, or the view of her own dad’s remarriage with his new family, caused her to think the better of it.) Looking back, she has no regrets.

On the other hand, Alice Thornton had always wanted two children. She also wanted a responsible husband to morph into a great dad. That wasn’t going to happen. Instead, Alice, who married at 21, divorced 13 years later, childless. Two years went by, and she met Richard. Within 4 months they were living together and pregnant. He was 49 and thrilled with the onset of his fourth child; she was 36 and leery. “It all happened too quickly,” said Alice. “If I hadn’t gotten pregnant things would have turned out differently. I wanted a child and to be married and thought it might work out. Now, at least, I have two children. But I don’t know what the future holds.”

Their shotgun wedding sans shotgun turned into even more of a crap shoot, and the die rolled wildly. The problem began, Alice says, with the arrival of her teenaged stepdaughter, Jamie, who moved in. “Unfortunately, my relationship with my husband depends on his daughter,” she said. “She is daddy’s little girl, and I have become the wicked stepmother. . . . She is jealous of me and competitive with our [young] son. My husband does nothing to alleviate the situation and allows her to be disrespectful towards me. I’m beginning to feel as though I’m preparing myself mentally to leave, but hope it won’t come to that.”

Unlike the Thorntons, though, the other couples left little to chance when deciding to have or not have a baby. JoAnn, an editor, was able to configure her work so she could do it from home; she couldn’t have pulled this off earlier in her career. George Robinson has already set up a trust fund for his daughter’s college tuition. Age brought with it financial stability. Maturity brought with it the right questions. “Can we afford a child?” and “Are we ready to have a baby?” are from the past.

Now the relevant question is, What will a baby add to our lives? Those who respond, “Chaos,” like the Davises, generally choose not to have children. Others, who start glowing even before they’re pregnant, figure, What the heck? The pediatrician’s already on speed dial.

Gail Buchalter is a freelance writer living on Maryland’s Eastern Shore.