If you are a stepparent, you have likely heard these words: “You can't make me, you're not my parent.” Your heart sinks because they cut to the core, leaving you gasping for a sane response.

Before you quickly jump to a response and potentially say something you may later regret, take a minute to compose yourself. The following five secrets will help you respond calmly when your stepchild challenges you with those words.

1. Breathe a Minute: Take a minute and breathe before you respond. Yes, you’ve heard this advice before, but do you know why you should actually do it? Children pick up on your emotional state and reflect it back via the phenomena of mirror neurons. This means if they are agitated, then you are likely to mirror their emotional response, which only amplifies their negative behavioral response and escalates into a power struggle.

Research suggests that taking a deep breath allows you to increase the flow of oxygen to your brain, allowing you to approach the situation from a calm, rational place, rather than a reactive one.

Here’s one scenario, a negative reaction:

“You’re not my parent, you can’t make me.”
“I wouldn’t want to be your parent.”

Here’s another scenario after a calming breath:

“You’re not my parent.”
[Pause, one minute of breath-collecting…]
“You’re right. But we’re on the same team, so I hope we can work together on this.”

2. Diffuse the Argument: Here are three words that will immediately diffuse any disagreement: “You are right.” But here’s what most parents and stepparents struggle with: they want to be right. Let’s admit it – we all have the desire to be “right,” but often this desire to be right is what provokes and sustains arguments.

When you let your stepchild know they are right, this removes the power struggle from the conversation. Your stepchild will have a slightly shocked and perhaps even smug look on their face when you concede that you can’t make them do anything.

3. Create a Communication Plan: Have a communication game plan in place with your spouse so you will know exactly how to handle problems when they arise. This way, you’re not stuck making up reactive rules in response to your stepchild’s behaviors. Take some time to talk with your spouse about how you will respond when a child in the household misbehaves. Come up with a clear, consistent plan.

For example, let the child know that there will be a consequence for their behavior if they do not listen. An example would be saying to the child, “If I have to ask you again, the rule is you go without your Xbox for the rest of the day.” You may even want to have a list of agreed-upon consequences that you’ve developed with your spouse that you’ll have available for any arguments with your stepchildren. This way you can calmly share what the consequence will be if the child does not do what is requested.

4. Stop Splitting: Create a clear and consistent plan for following through with consequences. When you calmly let your stepchild know that they’re right, i.e. you are not their parent and you can’t make them do anything, but if they do not do what is requested there will be a consequence – your stepchild may go running to their parent to try to get their way.

Some of the tactics children will use are whining, pouting, begging, demanding, or guilting to get their way. You need to send a clear message to your stepchild that you and their biological parent are on the same parenting page and you both are in agreement with how the situation will be handled. If your child comes to you complaining about your spouse, you can offer validation and what to expect next. For example:

“Amy, I know you’re upset. I will speak with your stepfather about this, we will make a decision together, and I will let you know what that decision is.”

5. Follow-through: Consequences that are relevant and meaningful to your child will help them self-correct their own behavior, but this only works if you are consistent and follow through. As a child therapist I hear children tell me all the different ways their parents and stepparents punish them, but then don’t follow through. For example:

“Yeah, they said they were going to have to cut cable off in my room, but they never did it. They’ve said it before, too, but they never do it.”

If this is happening in your home, understand that children come to see your consequences as meaningless and know they can eventually get their way. Make sure that consequences are realistic for you, so you and your spouse are able to follow through.

It’s never easy to make the transition of adding new members and rules into a household. Equip yourself with patience, a sense of humor, lots of love and compassion and these 5 insider therapy strategies and you’ll find it easier to respond to the statement, “You can't make me, you're not my parent.”

Are you in need of more support to help your blended family communicate? We can help! Learn more creative tools and strategies to help your child - click here to access the free audio mini-course Secrets Your Kids Really Don’t Want You to Know: A Child Art Therapist Tells All (*except for the confidential stuff) www.thecreativityqueen.com

 Bio

The mission of Dr. Laura J. Dessauer, ATR-BC, LCAT is to teach children and parents creative ways to connect and communicate with respect and compassion, so your child can feel happier and more confident. As the founder of the Creativity Queen, LLC, Laura’s a Board Certified Creative Arts Therapist and Certified Parent and Teen Coach with over 23 years of experience working with families, children and teens in over 21 school districts. The Creativity Queen, Winner of SCORE Small Business of the Year, offers individual art therapy sessions and creative problem solving programs for both children and adults.

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