Positively Paula

What is There to be Thankful for in Your Stepfamily?

Friday, March 11, 2011
A dear friend and mindset coach I know, Renee Canali, gave me a very meaningful gift, namely a small book entitled 365 Thank Yous by John Kralik this past Christmas. In a nutshell, it is a story about a guy who handwrote 365 thank you notes in one year and the remarkable things that happened in his life as a result of displaying such gratitude. I've started writing more thank you notes as a result, and it feels good. It got me thinking; how many of us are grateful for our stepfamily members?

And, how many of us get caught up in the whining and complaining about exes, our kids' other stepparent, and all of the challenges that stepfamily life can bring? I'm guilty! Especially in the early years of my remarriage, I complained, got angry, and I'm sure I drove my friends and family nuts on many days. And, even now having been remarried for nearly eight years, I still have my moments.

In hindsight, I feel like I have wasted valuable time and energy simmering in a stew of negative feelings. I wish I had read books, including 365 Thank Yous and Jack Canfield's The Success Principles, years ago. In his book, Canfield writes, "When you are in a state of appreciation and gratitude, you are in a state of abundance. You are appreciating what you do have instead of focusing on and complaining about what you don't have."

So, turning back to remarriage and stepfamily life, for what is there to be grateful?  As a start, how about:
  • the opportunity to learn about your own strengths and weaknesses?
  • the chance to learn more about love and its many forms?
  • a second chance for true happiness after experiencing divorce or widowhood?
  • learning how to appreciate others?
  • developing healthy coping mechanisms?
  • the ability to be a positive influence in a young person's life?
All of these experiences do not just happen overnight, rather there is a process for each. So, while we continue to progress and work on these things, we can express appreciation in our stepfamilies each day - for even the smallest things.

In The Success Principles, Canfield explains that there are three different kinds of appreciation. He describes three different ways (auditory, visual, and kinesthetic) "the brain takes in information, and everybody has a dominant type they prefer." 

So, every day we can strive to appreciate the people in our family in the way that makes them feel good. We can hug one of our stepchildren who responds to touch. We can call one of our kids who is away at college to find out how they are doing, and we can write a note telling our spouse how much we appreciate what they do.

The things that we grumble about may still be there. But, if we follow John Kralik's example, we'll actually feel happier.  Thank goodness for that!


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Fascinating Stepmom Art: You May Not Believe Your Eyes

Thursday, February 24, 2011
I want to share one of the most unique things about stepmothers that I have ever come across on the internet with you. The Other Mother website is dedicated to stepmothers "for all that you do...and have been put through..." by artist and stepmother Karen Piovaty. Karen warns viewers, "Enter with caution! The faint of heart need not apply to the world of stepmotherhood."

I admit up front I have no background in the study of art. I can tell you I find her exhibit compelling. The pictures struck several chords in me, evoked emotion, and made me stop to think about my own stepmom experience. On top of that, I started thinking about stepmotherhood in our society in general. 

And, don't miss the accompanying essay, "Disturbing the Piece(s): Re-Viewing the Role of 'the Other Mother'" by Jane E. Hindman, Professor, Department of Rhetoric and Writing Studies, San Diego State University.

I've talked about having a future National Stepfamily Summit, and wouldn't it be great to have this artwork displayed there? Take a look and let me know what you think. 
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Remarriage and Money: The Devil is in the Details

Tuesday, February 08, 2011
One of the reasons I started www.RemarriageWorks.com was that I think it is very important to go into a second marriage with eyes wide open. After all, approximately one million people get remarried every year, and we know that 65-70% of these remarriages will end in divorce. Financial issues are often cited at the top of the list of reasons why remarriages break up.

Strong warnings about the combination of remarriage and financial problems have been issued in a flurry of press coverage recently. If you are planning to remarry, I urge you to read them. But, don't get buried with worry or fear. Instead take a positive approach as a remarrying couple and have healthy discussions about the content. Dig deep into the details as much as possible.

I wish I had. Before my husband and I remarried, we thought we had thoroughly discussed our finances and philosophies about money. We talked about our intentions about our children's college educations and thought we were on the same page. Several years later when it came time for my stepdaughter to go to college, we realized that we hadn't explored the topic between us in enough detail.

Happy reading and discussions to you! There is plenty of material here about remarriage, stepfamily living, finances, and money to get you started. Just promise me you won't run scared for the hills!


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Don't Settle for Mediocre in Your Remarriage, And Get a Bonus, Too!

Wednesday, February 02, 2011
If you want to be happy and satisfied in your remarriage, I highly recommend Secrets of Happy Couples: Loving Yourself, Your Partner, and Your Life by Kim Olver. She invited me to partner with her to promote our books, mine being Journal for Stepmoms. I receive many proposals like this, but I'm really picky about what I choose to recommend to you. Having read an advance copy of Secrets of Happy Couples, I decided to partner with Kim and offer 25% off my new release Journal for Stepmoms if you purchase both books. 

If you want more effective communication in your remarriage, a more exciting and healthy sex life, and more respect and trust, consider Secrets of Happy Couples. Kim surveyed 100 happy couples and prominent relationship experts. According to Gary Chapman, Ph.D., author of The Five Love Languages (another favorite book of mine), "If you wonder what it takes to be happy as a couple, this book is for you...Olver is breaking exciting new ground." 

Remarriages often face a lot of pressure; it's obvious with the divorce rate for second marriages being 65-70%. You can relieve some of the pressure by checking out this book. And, as an added incentive, if you buy Secrets of Happy Couples, you can get 25% off of Journal for Stepmoms which is an invaluable tool for stepmothers and stepmoms-to-be. 

If you purchase Kim's book now, you will receive more than 60 phenomenal free gifts valued at over $3,500.  Check them out! I know you may be thinking that this is a typical marketing gimmick. But, I assure you that I think Secrets of Happy Couples is so helpful that I have shared it with some very special people in my own stepfamily life.
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Our Top 10 Remarriage & Stepfamily Blogs List for 2010

Monday, January 31, 2011
I am really excited about our latest feature article on RemarriageWorks.com, "Top 10 Remarriage & Stepfamily Blogs for 2010!" We've spent the past year looking at nearly 100 blogs that deal with stepparenting, remarriage, co-parenting, and divorce. There is a lot more information to be found about these topics than there was just five years ago. My sincere hope is that we have saved you time by providing you valuable, trusted tools and resources that you can use today to find and/or maintain happiness in your remarriage and stepfamily life.

Each of these bloggers brings something unique to the table. I think you'll be amazed at what they have to offer. If you go to any of their websites for the first time, let them know how you found them. And, if you, yourself blog about anything related to stepfamilies, remarriage, divorce, or co-parenting, please let us know. We'd love to follow your blog in 2011.

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Plan to Have a Fabulous 2011 in Your Stepfamily

Monday, January 10, 2011
In my newly released book, Journal for Stepmoms, there is a section called, "Planning." Planning is critical for stepfamilies that are trying to figure out joint custody schedules, kids' activities, household budgeting, colleges and schools, taxes, estates, wills, retirement, and more! And, as Jacquelyn Fletcher, author of A Career Girl's Guide to Becoming a Stepmom, just reminded me, don't forget to plan fun in your stepfamily!

So, how do you have fun with all of this planning? 

My husband has always been an avid calendar user; in fact, he blocks out time in his calendar for updating his calendar. I, on the other hand, had a pocket calendar in my purse when we met, but it could only fit so much. I remember like yesterday the angst and stress I felt in the early days of our remarriage whenever we had one our calendar planning sessions sitting at the computer.

I knew it was important to have good strategic and day-to-day planning to make our household of seven people, with kids in five different schools run smoothly. But, nonetheless, I would get tense, anxious, frustrated, and overwhelmed. The last thing I wanted to do after such a session was open another discussion about financial planning, taxes, or retirement. I can't even think the word fun in the same sentence.

Recently, Claudette Chenevert, a certified Stepfamily Foundation Coach, shared a simple, but brilliant idea about planning in the new year. She shared that she and her husband have had a tradition in their remarriage for 20 years. During the first week of the new year, they sit around a fire with candles on the table, and synchronize their calendars for the year.

Now that idea definitely helps me get one more step closer to fun! If you have any ideas that help make planning in your stepfamily more fun, please do share!

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Perfect Gift Ideas for Stepfamilies

Thursday, December 09, 2010
In my last blog, I talked about how stepmoms would benefit from giving themselves the gift of journaling. In the midst of this holiday season, I'd like to suggest some gift ideas that anyone could give to members of a stepfamily.

And, attention dear parents and stepparents! If you like any of these ideas, please do not be shy about putting these items on your wish list if you are asked. You may never get these goodies unless you ask. In fact, if you are a new member of a stepfamily, you'll probably be doing your relatives a huge favor by helping them get to know what you like. And, since some of these gifts don't cost a dime, all the more reason to let someone know your desires.

In the "no nickel needed" gift category are:
  • alone time for remarried parents. Offer to watch their kids so they can have that rare date night.
  • patience and flexibility regarding convoluted schedules. Many remarrieds face stress as they are dealing with work, school, and joint custody schedules, especially if they have children in different schools. Offer to host a holiday dinner on a date that allows EVERYONE to attend. And, make them feel at ease if Christmas dinner happens to be on Dec. 30th this year.
  • acceptance and sensitivity. Instead of asking a new family member to step out of a family picture because someone wants a picture of "just their" relatives, perhaps take an extra picture with all family members included and frame it as a gift or create a calendar. Remember to get a gift for all of the children---step or not. You don't have to spend much to have everyone feel included and welcomed.
For those who plan to spend some cash, stepfamily members might really like:
  • family tree gifts. Red Envelope has some really unique family tree gifts, such as a keepsake quilt or family tree photo frames.
  • mouse pads, aprons, bags, stationery plus other custom-designed items that display a silhouette of the stepfamily based off of photos that you provide to Simply Silhouettes Stationery & Gifts.
  • consumable gifts as recommended on our Facebook page by an extraordinaire wedding planner Martha Wiles of A Splash of Elegance. Martha recognizes that combined households often have lots of "things." She advises considering a gift card to their favorite eatery and childcare for later in the year.
Enjoy the season and the giving!

Note: The companies and products mentioned in this blog post are not paying advertisers of this website. I simply recommend the items.
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Attention Stepmoms: Give Yourselves a Great Holiday Gift

Tuesday, November 23, 2010
This is the time of year when you see a lot of articles and blogs pop up about the challenges that stepfamilies face during the holiday season. Stepmoms often face extra stress as they fulfill holiday obligations that include entertaining, hosting visitors, shopping, figuring out hectic schedules, and determining holiday traditions. Even people who aren't experiencing life as a stepmother can be depressed, stressed, and overextended.

Two especially helpful resources I've seen lately that offer useful solutions for stepfamilies dealing with holiday problems are: holiday tips on Wednesday Martin, Ph.D.'s blog page, and "1-2-3-step approach makes holiday traditions easy" by Christina Roach, MA, NCC, DCC on Examiner.com. And, dear stepmoms, I know the perfect gift you can give yourselves this year.

Give yourself the gift of journaling. Check out "The Health Benefits of Journaling" by Maud Purcell, LCSW, CEAP who lays out the case for journaling very well. Journaling can help you ease stress, work through problems, safely vent, figure out your thoughts, explore your past baggage, and more.

I know some of you are probably saying, "But, I don't have the time to do the things already on my Thanksgiving plate!" We all do. Just try this for a month and let me know how it goes. I think you may be surprised. And, journaling can be a great place to focus on those things in your life for which you are most grateful. Happy Thanksgiving!



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Is Your Stepfamily All-Inclusive or Exclusive?

Thursday, October 28, 2010
The other evening I listened to a live webinar hosted by the non-profit organization, Stronger Families, called "You're Not My Dad." It featured Gil and Brenda Stuart, authors of "Restored and Remarried." Gil and Brenda provided a lot of helpful advice for stepfamilies based on their experience of raising a stepfamily with seven children. And, yes, they are still smiling! It's a joy to listen to them.

Not too many things surprise me anymore about stepfamilies. But, I was really intrigued by something they said.

Gil and Brenda said that a couple of months after they got remarried, one of Gil's children got married, and the adult child did not want Brenda at the wedding. Brenda said she didn't go to his wedding. 

Then another person participating in the webinar noted that they follow a rule in their stepfamily household. If an event is centered around a particular child, the parent and stepparent leave it up to that child to determine whether the stepparent can attend. And, if it is an event that is more of a family event, both parent and stepparent attend.

I guess this really surprised me for a couple of reasons. First, I haven't personally run into any stepparents who have a similar rule. And, secondly, right or wrong, my husband and I have always participated in events in our family together. Obviously, every stepfamily is different and there are a lot of extenuating circumstances.

I decided to contact Brenda personally to discuss this topic. I was curious and wanted to know more about how this works in her family. (By the way, Brenda did grant her permission to share her personal thoughts.) She pointed out that while being excluded can hurt, it doesn't have to offend. I can see her point. Many stepparents take things too personally; I, myself have been guilty of that.

Brenda also pointed out that timing is important. Just two months into her own remarriage and with her family's personal circumstances, it just made the most sense for them. She pointed out that many times stepparents have to ask themselves, "Who is the adult here?" Another valid point!

Some could look at it another way and say, "We are the adults here and we will decide as parent and stepparent what we are going to attend." I'm even more curious now and would love to hear more input! How do you handle who will attend what events in your stepfamily? And, why? Comments are most welcome.

Note: The video broadcast, "You're Not My Dad," hosted by Stronger Families featuring Gil and Brenda Stuart will show again on November 1, 2010, 7-8 pm PST. 
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Stepfamily Name Calling Doesn't Have to Be Negative

Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Have you ever experienced learning or thinking about a person, place, or thing and then suddenly it pops up everywhere around you? That's how I've been feeling since I wrote about stepfamily terms. There is yet another aspect of terms and naming in the stepfamily experience - what to call extended family members. The sooner you tackle this topic, the better! Even seven years into a remarriage, this little, but sometimes awkward situation arises!

I remember the first time my new in-laws visited our home after I was remarried. My teenage son was standing in the kitchen with my mother-in-law and me and I could see he was struggling to get her attention. It dawned on me that he didn't know what to call her. And, I felt awful that I hadn't initiated a discussion earlier (with my son or my mother-in-law) about what my kids were going to call their new step-grandparents.

I jumped in and started the quick conversation, but it felt really awkward to me. I'm not sure how they felt at the time. But, why hadn't I thought of it sooner?

A few weekends ago my husband, son and I visited my stepson who is away at college. (Or, shall I say "our son?" Again, here I go wondering if it would bother anyone, especially my stepson, if I call him "our son" in public. And, this is STILL after being remarried for nearly eight years!) Anyway, my mother joined us for the trip.

My mom, son, and I went in to see my stepson's dorm room. When we entered, he was the perfect gentleman and introduced us to his roommate. He introduced his stepbrother as his "stepbrother," me as "Paula, my stepmom," and then he just paused when it came to my mom. He normally calls her "Miss Andrea."  Again, a little awkward silence...or, maybe it was just my imagination.

I spoke up and said, "This is his step-grandma, my mom, Miss Andrea." Phew! Having an analytic background, I am well aware of my tendency to overthink. But, really, I've been thinking about how well or not we've covered stepfamily names and terms within our family. I know the bottom line is to have good communication and everyone should do what works for them as a family. But, am I the only one still trying to figure all of this out? And, does my stepson even want to refer to my mom as "step-grandma?" I have no idea, but I plan to find out.
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