Positively Paula

Mother's Day 2012: My Favorite Picture

Monday, May 14, 2012
I hope all of you moms - whether you are a mom, stepmom, bonus mom, adoptive mom, grandmother, or foster mom - had a fabulous Mother's Day. In our blended family, we have two children who are now out of college, two in college, and one in high school.  We were fortunate to have had at least three of our five kids with us this year on Mother's Day. We wish we could spend time with all of them, but that is a rare occurrence as they are growing up and moving out on their own.  I thought I'd share my favorite Mother's Day photo this year with you.
This year we had our three sons with us at home. Here is my favorite picture of the day! How many of you can relate to this? 


And, here they are on our wedding day in 2003:
  

They are probably going to kill me for posting these, but I couldn't resist! We've had our ups and downs in our blended family like everyone else. We'll have many more. One thing is for sure. We absolutely love them all.

Tune in Tonight! Parenting Teens in Your Blended Family

Monday, March 05, 2012
Do you have teenagers in your stepfamily? Are you struggling with your spouse over parenting teenagers in your blended family? Tune in tonight at 8 pm EST to my RemarriageWorks show, "Parenting Teens in Your Blended Family." I'll be interviewing Al Betz, author of Outfluence, The Better Way to Influence, and founder of Outfluence LLC which offers coaching, training, and public speaking to teens, families and other audiences interested in improving communication. 

Al Betz is an entrepreneur, author, and a public speaker who believes in hard work, inspired performance, second chances, and always moving forward. Join us as Al offers tips and wisdom about understanding teens and communicating with them. 

There are five kids in our blended family.  At one time, four of our five kids were teenagers all at once. Looking back, I'm not sure how we survived! I'm eager to hear Al discuss some tips to help parenting and step-parenting teens go more smoothly. This topic ins't covered often enough. You can tweet your questions to us @RemarriageWorks. And, if you are going to be an instant stepmom or stepdad of a teenager, you may want to especially tune in so you know what to expect.


Happy Valentine's Day to My Blended Family and Yours

Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Opinions about Valentine's Day vary.  (In fact, these days opinions about everything vary, including ones about remarriage on Facebook, but I'll save my story on that for a future blog.) Today I want to send everyone, especially my husband, family, friends, and readers a positive Happy Valentine's Day message. I often refer to my family as a blended family or stepfamily in my posts, but they really are my "family." If you blog, you know how it is to try to please the search engine gods out there. So, back to Valentine's Day...


Some people swoon at the idea of an entire day dedicated to love and the act of showing love; many others think it is a "made up" holiday forced upon us by the greeting card industry. Before writing this post today, I read the Wikipedia article on Valentine's Day to try to come up with some deep, meaningful post about Valentine's Day; and frankly, I was just disappointed. Reading the article started to become a downer. How can a day celebrating love turn into a day that has been banned? (I guess I'll explore that theme, too when I decide to write about my recent Facebook experience. And, that isn't going to happen today!)

Today I'm sending a loving Happy Valentine's Day to my husband, my family, friends, and to all families - blended and step! I truly appreciate all of you and wish you love, peace, and happiness. Whether you are the remarried couple that goes out on the town tonight and exchanges extravagant gifts, the couple that gives an extra hug whispering, "Happy Valentine's Day" while settling into bed, or the stepparent that sends a simple text message to your stepchild simply saying "Happy Valentine's Day," show some love today to those around you that you care about. Any way you want to do it is fine.


Here Comes Support for the Remarrying Bride

Tuesday, November 08, 2011
Are you getting remarried? Or, planning a second wedding? Or, have a friend who is? Last night I had the sincere pleasure of interviewing two incredible women on the RemarriageWorks.com show on the Stepmom's Toolbox mini network on BlogTalkRadio.com. In this free, downloadable podcast of "Here Comes Support for the Remarrying Bride," you'll hear top tips that you should know before your second wedding day.  

My two guests were Christy Borgeld, founder of National Stepfamily Day and Martha Wiles, a wedding planner and encore bridal specialist. Christy Borgeld, as mother of the groom, has just experienced planning a wedding in her own blended family and offers some valuable suggestions on working through stepfamily challenges during the encore wedding planning stage. And, Martha Wiles shares some really unique ideas about planning second weddings, including suggestions if you and/or your future spouse have children.

You can also catch some of their fabulous insights about remarrying, second weddings, and stepfamily blending in my book, Journal for Stepmoms as they have each contributed some helpful information to it. Tune in when your schedule allows; it's a great way to kick off your second wedding planning. Enjoy and best wishes to you on your remarriage journey!

Give the Stepfathers Some Love, Too, on Father's Day

Sunday, June 19, 2011
A male colleague and I spoke this week about the lack of positive attention that stepfathers get. (So, for all of you deserving and extraordinary stepdads, it is especially important that we send you some stepfather love on this Father's Day!) I first wrote about this topic in The Washington Times, "On Remarriage: Stepfathers Deserve to be Honored Too" a few years ago. It still hangs in a frame on a wall in our home today in honor of my husband who is a stepdad to my two sons. I'm wondering has anything changed for stepfathers since I wrote that column in 2008?

There have been some positive changes that I've noted. Just yesterday a stepdad mentioned to me that he was pleasantly surprised to see a whole section of stepfather Father's Day cards in the store. I don't know how big that section is, but I still don't get the sense that there are enough cards for even half of the millions of stepdads in the country.

And, since 2008, I am aware of one additional book written specifically for stepfathers, namely The Smart Stepdad by Ron Deal. This book, which is in the Christian living genre offers advice for men navigating stepfamily living and provides essential guidelines to help stepdads not only survive, but succeed.

So, yes, I think things are moving in a positive direction when it comes to supporting stepdads, but there is still a long way to go considering that 4 out of 10 adults are now in a blended family. 

Why aren't there more resources for stepdads? Is there no demand? Do stepdads not care? Do they not seek outside resources and assistance to help them be the best stepfathers they can be? If not, why are they reluctant?  Is there indeed an overwhelming demand, and there just aren't enough experts or resources to meet their needs? What are your thoughts on this?

As a final tribute to stepdads this Father's Day, take a listen to Brad Paisley's music video, "He Didn't Have to Be" which was produced in 1999, reached #1, and was nominated for CMA song of the year. With so many more stepdads around today, this song is even more important. Happy Father's Day!

 

Correction on What Para-Kin Means

Thursday, October 07, 2010
Yesterday, I contributed to some misconception about what Para-kin means. I thank Debra Chernick for setting me straight and apologize for my misinterpretation. According to Debra, "Para-kin is primarily for those adults who are in monogamous relationships, raising children from a prior union but have not chosen or are barred from remarriage."

That being said, I think I'd still like to be called "P-Mom." There's just something about step....

Read more about the Para-kin movement here. It is a pretty novel idea that could help many.


A New Stepfamily Term Beyond Blended and Bonus

Wednesday, October 06, 2010
If you are a member of a stepfamily, you have probably struggled with the much written about dilemma of what to call each other. If you are planning to get remarried, I highly recommend discussing this topic before you remarry. Wanting to come up with some new terms to call stepfamilies, other than "step," "blended family," or "bonus family," I asked our fans on our Remarriage Works Facebook page for some ideas. We got some great ones!

Some terms that made me smile were: "lumpy families," "the majority,""fixed families," and "a box of cereal...a bunch of fruits, nuts, and flakes." On a more serious note, Giselle Minoli, who writes a very insightful stepparenting column on examiner.com, recently informed me about www.Para-Kin.com, a website founded by Debra Chernick, a family court attorney in Rhode Island.

According to her website, "our mission is to add words to our vocabulary and dictionary which will accurately reflect, describe and embrace the evolving family relationships through the promotion of 'para-kin' (which is trademarked by the way) terms." I guess I'd be a "Para-mom," and I like the idea of being "P-mom." It seems like a natural fit with "Paula" anyway.

While some of my stepfamily members may connect me better with the cereal suggestion, I highly recommend you take a look at Debra Chernick's www.Para-Kin website. It definitely provides food for thought.


Falling Forward on Your Stepfamily Journey

Monday, September 27, 2010
I admit it; I've fallen. I haven't written in this blog for too long of a time. Today I am recommitting to write several times a week for those who are in a remarriage and/or stepfamily. I thank those of you who wrote to say that RemarriageWorks.com has been really helpful. You've inspired me, too. With the onset of this beautiful autumn season, my change starts now. And, I challenge you to make a positive change in your stepfamily life.

We've all had some personal failings due to a myriad of reasons. Perhaps you have read that instituting a regular stepfamily meeting can help the members in your blended family communicate. But, you didn't want to force the issue when a teenager balked at the idea.

Maybe you and/or your spouse had every good intention of talking to a counselor, therapist or stepfamily coach about finding some solutions for relationship problems in your blended family, but you rested in a comfort zone of "not believing in counseling."

Or, could it be possible that you've been meaning to take time out of your busy day to take your stepchild for an ice cream or shopping trip, and your work just got in the way yet again? I've been there and done that. Many times I've fallen.

The good news is that we have the gift of falling forward. If we wake up in the morning, we have the choice of starting over or trying again. I've failed at blogging regularly; and, I've also failed at some things as a mom and stepmom. It's time to move forward. While we get to "fall back" with our clocks this autumn, maybe we could all benefit from falling forward, moving in a positive direction, and recommitting to some actions that would be good for us and our stepfamilies.


A Shared Vision: The Stepfamily Summit

Monday, August 02, 2010

Today I had the sincere pleasure of speaking again with Christy Borgeld, the
founder of National Stepfamily Day. I have gotten to know Christy, a wonderfully caring and dedicated woman who has worked tirelessly at a grass roots level to support stepfamilies throughout the nation for the last 14 years, through the wonderful virtual world of Facebook, Twitter, and e-mail.  While we have never met personally, we hit it off immediately, and speaking with her always sparks ideas. You see, we share a common passion; namely, to support stepfamilies; and, we both want to provide great resources and information to blended families and stepfamilies. And, we know we aren't the only ones with this passion for this topic.

We are very familiar with the dismal statistic that out of the nearly 1300 stepfamilies that are forming daily, approximately 65% end in divorce. And, we aren't the only ones who want to help make stepfamilies successful. We agree that there are many people, starting with stepmoms, stepdads, stepfamily coaches, counselors,  family law attorneys, psychologists, social workers, academic researchers, educators, government officials, and whole non-profit organizations who are working long days (and many into the night) to help stepfamilies thrive.

Christy and I shared a vision today; i.e., a national Stepfamily Summit, so to speak, comprised of great and passionate thinkers, problem solvers, master minds, advocates, etc. in the stepfamily realm. Our goal: to raise awareness about stepfamily-related issues, brainstorm problems, and identify solutions.

For years there has been a lot of talk about stovepiped organizations in the Intelligence Community, and that this situation possibly leads to intelligence failures which ultimately harm our national security. Collaboration is key. As is money. Few would disagree. You may be asking yourself: how on earth can the success of stepfamilies be as important as national security?

I daresay that there are probably more than a few people, whose marriage and stepfamily are literally falling apart right now, that emotionally feel their situation is just as important as world peace. Losing a marriage can be one of the most horrible experiences in a person's life and the effects on our nation's children is another great concern. For those of you who aren't in a stepfamily, did you know that in 2003, divorce cost the nation approximately $33.3 billion? (See "On ReMarriage: Marriage Training a Good Investment," The Washington Times, June 14, 2009) I, myself, was shocked when I learned about the effects on taxpayers.

As Christy and I ended our call, we once again commented that's it great to have ideas, but even better to execute them. So, today I'm taking the first step and throwing out a vision to the world. Contact me if you'd like to become part of a Stepfamily Summit. It may take years, but I'd like to see everyone with a passion for enabling successful stepfamilies collaborate like never before.



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